PECULIAR (✓)

24. The Creature

Everything is sore. Sore and tight. My head is buzzing, everything I have been experiencing for a while. I sigh outwardly, disliking the fact I was getting used to the pain again, somewhat enjoying it. The dull aching of my stomach and head, blood rushing to every corner of my body violently, trying to help me with my day, despite no help from me to help energise it. 

A familiar pain I thought I deserved. 

I haven't eaten anything in a while but as Cass' arm tightens around me, events from yesterday make me nauseous.

I had admitted it to him. My darkest secret, yet here he is. Cassius didn't run, didn't pressure me nor did he judge me. He was still here. 

Fear creeps me from inside as I realise that yesterday was most probably the easiest step, now I had to eat. He would make me, like my mother did. For as long as I can remember my mother throwing me icy daggers through her merciless eyes from across our dining room table waiting for me to eat. Not allowing me to leave until I did so. No matter how much I cried, pleaded with her, it never fazed her. We would sit there for hours sometimes, but my mother never got me professional help, something I quite never understood why. 

Did I get better? For a bit maybe, but then I just got better at hiding it. Always teetering of the edge of danger but never falling into the depths of the creature. Nevertheless that creature was always pulling me closer to falling, playing with me like I would my own food, controlling me. It wasn't until recently I was hanging from the cliff, feeling weaker by the minute, but ready to succumb to the creature, to the eating disorder. 

Standing up to darkened vision, throat and lips dry and unable to understand simple dialogue, let alone doing my job well. All regular occurrences, But as I look up at the man I love, the man I will always love, my thoughts become clear. That though I'm hanging from the edge of that cliff, it can't be him to save me. It won't be him. Otherwise, I'm not the woman he loves, as he put to that night. I hope we can revisit that conversation, because I would want nothing more than to say it back. 

Wanting to prolong the facade I hoped I could keep up I push away the pain and quietly remove myself from Cassius comfort, leading him to frown in his sleep. I look at him in awe. He must be so tired, but he's working everyday trying to get the men that killed his brother. It was a shock when he told me it was murder, and that Victor was the leading suspect in his brother's death. Cassius has been through a lot, and even through I know it's selfish, I would have rather not have him also bare the weight of my problems.

So I go towards to bathroom, get ready and go to most probably my least favourite place of the house. The kitchen. The brightness of the white marble tiles and the large island intimidating me, but I carry on knowing that I need to show Cassius that I will be fine. I get out the equipment and start to cook. I make scrambled eggs, toast; of course making sure not to add a lot of butter or oil on my portion, knowing I wouldn't be able to handle it right now. I cook some pancakes for Cass as well and cut up some fruit, everything making me disquiet. The voices already disapproving of what I was doing. 

Before the voices could fully pull me down, a pair of warm large arms wrap around me from behind. Without even realising I melt into him and close my eyes, basking in his comfort. His melodic but deep morning voice reaches my ears and my eyes widen.

"You really need to stop leaving me Alettra."

I turn to look into his eyes, charming blue orbs reflect back at me filled with care, and I wrap my arms around him burying my head into his chest and sighing again, but this time in content. I've missed him more than I'd like to admit. 

He strokes my hair and I can't help the words that effortlessly flow out of my mouth, "I love you Cassius." 

Leading him to tilt my head back and glaze into my eyes. He smiles lazily for a moment before moving his lips onto mine. The loving action making me smile and wrap my arms around his neck meeting his relaxed but sure movements. As we part, he sweetly whispers "I love you too, Alettra." This was how our confession was suppose to be. Intimate and real, not rushed and impulsive like it was at first.

I stare at him for I good few moments watching his soft smile fall into a slight frown while wiping the salty tears running down my cheeks. My whole body feels weak but my mind finally feels at peace. I shake my head at my silliness and quickly compose myself.

"Sorry, I just really missed you", my admission breaking off into a broken whisper afraid of ruining what I just got back, afraid of ruining my peace.

He smiles and grabs my hand again, leading us to the bar stools at the edge of the island that holds the food. Suddenly, I feel my peace slipping away from me again. We sit down and he starts to eat, making an effort not to look at me. Most likely not wanting to make me uncomfortable. I stab the eggs a few times, wishing for them to just magically disappear but then I relent and swallow down and blink back the tears.

Another spoonful... You don't deserve to eat.

Another spoonful... You don't deserve Cassius.

Another spoonful... You're useless. Pointless 

I try to get another spoonful but the spiteful voices ring in my ears breaking down my determination. Cassius spots my hesitation and grabs my shaking hand in his and squeezes it comfortingly, but he never stops eating. I could tell he was eating slower making sure I had time to be relaxed enough to eat enough. I go for another two bites of bread till my stomach starts aching again, and I feel sick. Remembering what happened last time I hadn't eaten anything and then tried a full meal, I put my fork down, not wanting to overwhelm my stomach and be sick.

I look at Cassius and question, "Could we go to Rosa's Cafe for a late lunch today please." He looks at me in surprise and nods. I do want to get better but knowing recovery isn't linear and I'm going to have good days, bad days and then worst days is driving me crazy. Hopefully as long as I stick at it I can at least gain some strength back. 

While at the Cafe, Cass and I can also devise a plan for my date with Victor so we can get some evidence against him, but I'm ready for Cassius to refuse my help again regardless of the conversation from yesterday. I know that this issue needs to be solved before any other, for Cass I'm willing to do anything to ease his stress and if that means eating and seeing a therapist, he can at least let me help.    

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