Pain And Pleasure 18+✓

Twenty-two

For more than thirty minutes I've been glued to the sofa, seated straight with my eyes on the space. Isla's Nickelodeon ads keep popping on and off, flamboyant images passing on the screen from time to time, but my focus is far from the TV.

I feel weak and bleak, unable to get rid of this damned feeling suffocating me from within. For the first time, I wonder if I'm doing things right concerning taking care of my siblings because it's my only priority in this life.

Ever since I took full custody of them I have forgotten everything about myself. My entire universe revolves around them. As long as they get to eat, I don't mind starving. If they manage to laugh, I never mind crying on my pillow at midnight.

That's how important they both are to me. I'm ready to become anything just to make their dreams come true. Even if sleeping with men for money was my last solution to keep this life going, I would have done it over and over again just to see their smiles.

But why do I feel like I'm a big failure? Why do my efforts to keep everything in order feel so futile now? Tears stream down my face but I don't want to cry. Boldly, I wipe them off and stand my feet up. I need to breathe; it's suffocating here.

It's already nine when I grab my jacket and step out of my room. Isla is fast asleep as I peep through her bedroom door. And Jake—well, I'm not sure if by now he's still awake or not but he's the sole reason why I'm questioning everything right now.

He's successfully messed with my head.

Maybe I'm a terrible sister. But what else am I supposed to do to make their lives better? What does society expect me to be so that my values as a woman with goals and responsibilities remain intact despite the path I take? Is there a perfectly right way?

I fail to hold my tears, so I let them fall. Outside the sky looks in peace and harmony, quite the opposite of my disposition. It's chilly, but it's nothing painful compared to the ice blade piercing through my heart. It hurts too much.

I walk aimlessly, thinking, cogitating, trying hard to meditate on everything that's going on right now. If there's one thing I have been very proud of in this life is the fact that my siblings had so much respect for me—the respect I earned—which is now gone.

I was supposed to be an example to them, I've always been, but now I've become somebody my brother feels ashamed of. He despises me. Rueful laughter escapes me as I halt my steps, and slowly it turns into tears, so I keep walking.

"Hey, cutie pie! Want some company?" Some sleazy male voice sneers.

A guy and two ladies are smoking weed around a small bonfire, and I realize I'm heading toward a dead array somewhere between buildings, instead of the main road that's bathed with streetlights.

What the fuck! I glance around and it's a bit dark and secluded around here.

"I think she's lost!" One of two women chortles. "Want to have some fun, pumpkin?"

I don't respond. I quickly turn around, heading right toward the main road. I don't look back until I find a normal civilization with normal people walking from and to wherever. I sigh heavily, catching my breath after the little marathon I've pulled.

Even though I've lived in Summerlin for years, I still can't get used to the fact that it's one of the safest neighborhoods in South Las Vegas, yet if you go on the wrong side you discover a whole new colony with enough crime rate to make it dangerous.

Sounds of music and laughter overfill my ears as I wander alongside the bar and a restaurant. I feel tempted to go in. Maybe a drink will do? I don't know. But I do know that I want to hear nothing but the silence of my thoughts, so I buy a beer and head to the park.