Back for Good

Chapter 16

Frankly, Lisa had never imagined, even once in all those four years, that she would get to wake up like this. 

At least, not again. 

The memory and all the feelings tied with it had long been buried and shoved at the back of her mind and heart, and opening them once again would only bring pain. 

There were days that she had unconsciously let them out, but most of the time, it had left her in tears by sundown. 

Her whole body hurt and Lisa thought deeply that this couldn't be a dream when she can feel physical pain from the position she was in. She felt stiffness on her back and she was sure that no blood would have been able to go to her limbs because of the weight pressing her down on the cushion. 

But what is a temporary physical disability when the love of your life was lying comfortably on top of you, arms around your waist holding you possessively and those ever soft lips pressed on your neck gently. 

She tried to move her head to the side but the act just made Jennie snuggle into her neck closer. 

"Good morning," she heard a hoarse voice and it made her froze. 

Lisa was sure that Jennie was still slumbering but that husky voice she had always loved ringing so close to her ear like it was spoken inside her head made her nerves sensitive, her heart race.

"Hey," she whispered back just as quiet, uttering the word like a secret, "good morning." 

Jennie purred softly against her neck and Lisa swallowed.

"I... I do." 

A part of her wanted to take those words back but it was quite too late. She did mean them, though, and taking them back would make her a hypocrite; a desperate hypocrite who wanted nothing but to have Jennie back. It was ironic, but Lisa was still hurt, and the kind of pain that she had been carrying wasn't the type that you'd forget even after so many years. Those words kind of hurt her, especially her pride, or at least what's left of it. 

She was beyond pathetic now, and she knew that for a fact.

"Will I be selfish... If I ask you to take me back?" 

The question rattled Lisa's whole being. 

Yes, she wanted to say. Jennie was being selfish indeed. 

Lisa was mad at her; she wanted to hate her for what she did. When Jennie left, she had spent all of her waking moments questioning herself, the heavens, even the empty space beside her and that framed picture displayed mockingly on her nightstand, on why was she left to fend for her heart alone when they had promised forever to each other. 

She knew she was never a bad person. She loved with all of her heart and she tried everything in her capabilities to help. But why? Why was she the one left alone at the altar, with years of love being ripped and thrown uselessly like it didn't happened, the kisses and embraces they've shared forgotten, just because of a spur growth of another love that wasn't her. 

Everything hurt, every cell, every fibre of her screamed in pain; pain that she tried to hidebehind her smiles. 

Yes, Jennie was selfish, but somehow... she was too. 

Because as much as she was screaming for pain, her heart had been yelling louder for her to love again. 

"Yes," Lisa said softly, "you are selfish." She breathed out. "You left me at the altar, told me that you didn't love me anymore and that I couldn't make you happy. Do you know how much that hurt?"

She didn't know when it started but Lisa found herself crying, dropping every wall she built, every fake façade and mask she wore that helped her survive all those years that she was alone. She tore them down with every word, every question she had kept inside of her, those questions that she knew she would never be able to voice out until now. 

"We promised forever, you know. Even before I asked you to marry me, we already promised forever to each other," Lisa kept on crying yet her voice still sounded so clear. "But you still left me alone..." 

She tilted her head downwards and let her tears fall quietly, freely. Lisa didn't dare to look at Jennie because she knew what a single glance can do. Every damn feeling inside of her was pushing their way out and she was tired of suppressing them. She wouldn't let the night end without releasing every single one. 

"Did you know that after you left, I've started sleeping and sleeping more? Seulgi had always scolded me about it..." Lisa chuckled sadly when she remembered the first few months she had spent when she returned home from the failed wedding and supposed honeymoon. "I spent all of my free time sleeping because," she finally looked at Jennie who had also started to cry. "Because in my dreams, you were still with me... You still loved me."

She paused and swallowed the lump building in her throat before letting out a loud sigh. 

"So yes, Jennie, you're selfish. For leaving me, for coming back with a daughter, for asking me to take you back..." 

"Lisa, I—" 

"You're selfish because even after everything that had happened, you still own my heart..." 

Lisa looked at her and smiled amidst the tears. "And frankly, even if you've decided to return it to me, I won't take it back." 

She approached Jennie with careful steps, like if she walked too fast, her fragile self would break again and then she wouldn't be whole enough for her. 

"Because I love you and only you," Lisa held her cheeks with her shaking hands and wiped the tears that were trailing down her face with her thumbs, "and if you're selfish then I want to be selfish too. I want my heart to only belong to you..." 

And she kissed her.

Lisa leaned forward and just kissed her, lightly, lips pressed softly against trembling ones. 

She pulled back an inch and pressed her forehead against the other. 

"So yes, Nini," Lisa whispered, making sure that her breath hit Jennie's moist lips, "I'll take you back. Every selfish, hurtful, lying, imperfect piece of you."

"Thank you." 

She heard Jennie's voice and it made her look at her. There was an inexplicable softness in the latter's eyes and Lisa thought that she had seen that gaze before. 

"For what?" She asked just as soft. 

"For taking me back." 

This might be one of the stupidest decisions she had ever made in her whole life, but she was happy and she thought that it's the only thing that matters the most. 

She was happy, Jennie was happy.

For how long, she didn't know. She just wished that it would last this time. 

Lisa held her tighter against her chest, against her heart, and gently pressed her lips on Jennie's forehead. 

"My pleasure."