Sacrifices

Changes

                                (Carla POV)

                                                          As morning came the night leaving and taking the sorrow and emotional distress with it, I got up to see Clotilda got up early even though she still have more than a week to do as she pleases. Too stuck on my schedule and expectations. Get up as early as 5:30, be dressed by 6 am, have a nice breakfast, go on a mourning walk or run with me through the mounted trail to wake up. Go to school, go to extra clubs/activates I pick for you, get home spend the day how you want. She didn't have to do much to make me proud I wouldn't care if she drop-out to just stay with me and use my name to help her start an engineering business, or maybe that's just the spoiling talking. She really couldn't disappoint me even if she tried that's one of the reasons I love her so much and would do anything for her. I got out of bed slowly my head felt light but calm, looking around my room made me realize how little I had of younger photos of myself, I have Maud, Clotilda, and a few of me and Cleo but that's it for me no baby photos of me mostly from high school. I took a nice relaxing 20 min shower, got dressed for work, and headed downstairs to start breakfast to see everyone at the table Maud and Nathen talking, Scarlett, Alex back in the house talking to Clotilda and Catey while she tried to feed Marly who was more than energetic."Hey, I was going to make breakfast and how did all of you get up so early."I said making my way to the table where everyone was seated enjoying the quiet calm mourning the destructive night left for us to clean up, I waltzed over to Scarlett and Alex almost wondering,' where's Sebastian.' "He's staying in some 5-star hotel we dropped him off at, if your wondering we didn't drop him a ditch somewhere, should have thought." She said her voice dropping to a bitter tone, I felt almost proud that they knew the truth but there was still a bitter regret boiling in my stomach almost rubbing it in my face that I knew I did something wrong.

                            I felt it was time we talked about how to move on from this no longer hiding or pushing things down with excuses, and just knowing he was changing but  did he really take the time to make progress that was showing, or would everything just relapse all over again now that everyone knows this information."Hey, I was thinking only if you guys are okay with this would you agree to go to family therapy, we only have to go if you are comfortable, and I already have one in mind she's been a close friend of mine for years. You've all met her more than once and we'll be seeing her for lunch today just keep it in mind." I said not knowing what was going through their head would they agree on, argue about what we should do next to move forward."I want you to be happy and if you want him to be in it I don't want to be stuck in the past now that it's in the light for the most part I want you to choose not me."As we all sat and finish breakfast everything felt different this was a big decision we had to make together it could change everything not like that already didn't happen we realized that we had to choose to stay like this without him or try overcoming this and talking it all out finding a way to change things for the better.                                            "I'll try it if you think it'll help, I can try if you want to try a relationship with him after all this time if he did change and you think your ready to rebuild this bridge then I'll help you, I don't know what part wants you to make this desition but you've always known what was right so I'll be here if that helps, "Clotilda said a sad smile on her face even though she was so outspoken,  I knew she was hiding the fact that she was worried for me how I would take seeing him after confronting him like that. I did have a breakdown in front of everyone, I really should've taken a drink first before we talked like before more came out than I was expecting.'How do people talk about their feelings like that so feely, it felt so weird foreign even?'I thought as we continued to talk about how everything would go I knew some part of everyone would resent him but I guess I never got to feel the way Clotilda does with our dad, I never got to have that it was like every time she looked at him she was looking through a beautiful color lense. I never got to feel that way even if they are a little strand from this he's still her father, and this bridge hasn't gone in flames yet so there's still time to put it out it will be charred and he'll feel like he's walking on glass for a while but I won't let her make such a drastic decision in only one night. To some degree, he was mentally ill and had no one to check up on him to make sure he didn't have a break from reality he was known for not being the best of his medicine. Growing up I knew he had bipolar disorder, DSM-V or better known as NPD narcissist personality disorder from papers and medication I found in his office some full or empty but gotten at different times from months to weeks showing he was having this breaks from reality once in a while either short or strung out. This could explain why he would act cold then try and be some type of fatherly figure by the next, she needs to understand that I was like that I could be just like him if I had a bad day, and had a break off my meds or had a break from reality like I had many times when I was her age just like he had so many times or even worse. And even though I hurt Cleo in ways to keep her stay I was still given forgiveness, in some way, he is different but also not at the same time, isolating him isn't going to help me or him or any of us for that matter seeing someone is one of the best ways. I can blame him for most of the things he did but he was hurt too, his wife at any moment could have dropped dead without him knowing, he lost his first kid after only having him for less than a month, he had no one to vent to make sure our mother was alive every mourning he woke up and before he would sleep. I can see he regrets hurting me, maybe he even wonders how he could do that to his child say such things let alone put his hands on me, with mild schizophrenia and the use of alcohol made it worse. I won't make excuses for him but it wasn't all his fault he was miss treated by his mother had no father and didn't have a good relationship with his twin sister because of being forcefully separated from her for years, made to look better, stronger he had no one most of his life and things need to change. He stepping up now so we need to talk about everything and need to change things from now on.