Sacrifices

Separate

(Clotilda's POV)

                              After getting everything sorted with our new cousin Polina I just didn't know how to feel about her it's been years and she's just now wanting to talk, then again Carla said something about Dad to that effect. As Maud and I went to counseling more we decided to see a different therapist per Ms.Abels request to help with privacy reasons and to help us be more comfortable when it came to sharing how we were affected by the big changes in our family which I was thankful for and I could tell that Maud didn't seem to mind as if thing change in method was not much different. Getting ready in a nice light winter coat making my way to the door seeing Carla and Polina talking on the couch, knowing Dad was sitting at the kitchen table going overwork and probably thinking about how he thinks the sessions are going or is it just me. I don't want Carla to just think about me she is her own person and she needs to understand that more. And I don't mind if part of the reason she's doing this is that she can see me have a normal childhood because she couldn't but I want her to do this so she can be happier and not focus on everything that's happened to help her have some peace of mind. Maud soon walked down the stairs dressed similar to me as we walked outside together we could already see fresh lays of snow but hoping there would be more than just one layer was stretching it. The nature park and forest are seated on a mountain but a very small one but still enough for it to be basically giant with lakes, camping sites, and a ranger station that was still used just not as much as when it was first built.

                               As we slowly came down the winding road that was cut off from the normal road that was for just going to the house, we could see lots of different animals, plants, and more cars coming and going from the forest. Down and on to the main street we go in the direction of the counseling office we parked the car making our way in seeing 2 people sitting at the separated check in front next to the hallway leading you to where your counselor would be waiting in their rooms for you to see them. (I know this isn't exactly how it works but I wanted to just go with it). We saw a tall man with a tan almost light skin complexion dressed in a suit come out of one of the rooms that were spread out in the hall and come to us with a beautiful pure white smile on his face."Hello, you must be my clients for the afternoon nice to meet you."Putting out his hand in a nice friendly gesture Maud took it politely with a smile in return."Hi, you must be Dr.Carson nice to meet you too, and this is Clotilda."Maud's gesture to be who at this point though I should stop staring at this poor man, he was so good looking nice jawline, freckles, purely white teeth, and amazing hazel eyes."Hi."I said trying to stop myself from staring not wanting to make things awkward even before we got inside the room. After getting sat in a room that looked similar but very different from Dr.Amihan with nice family photos, decorative candles, and a few cute plants around the room having a one-person sofa in front of a black and navy blue sofa with 3 pillows spread out that matched with the couch.

          Dr.Carson pulled out a notepad that looked similar to the one Ms.Amihan had after getting sat down on the cotton felt sofa  we started the session."So how would you like to start this."He said with a smile trying to make this less awkward for us, trying to give back a not-so-awkward smile."I don't know how to really feel about everything even though there should be a simple answer for how I should feel but it's not easy to pick family over family even if that family hurt them. It'd be easier if it was a case of one hurting the other and they want nothing to do with them but what if the two people you love want to try to there without having issues for your sake. But you don't want them to push for it if it's not going to help them and you want this but not for the same reason and you feel bad because you are grateful for this but they've already given up so much for you and you don't want them to feel stuck again."I said feeling panicked and having my words come out almost in jumbles of words instead of actually talking,  everything I'd been thinking of coming out at once as Carson seemed to be trying to catch up and focus on everything. He seemed to slowly think about everything trying to make sense of it all to try and help."Clotilda, I can tell you have a somewhat guilty conscience you want both but having that rift between them especially something that can be lead up to being as serious as abuse can be difficult but if they are trying to fix and come together for the sake of you and to be comfortable around on an another there could be a few complications with these, ways of communication, emotional ties to what happened, the healing process that comes with all of this. You are a child and you are stuck between a rock and hard place your not to fault for having emotions or feeling like you want to keep 2 or more important people in your life, this is your family and they're working to make a safe and happy environment for you and themselves, changes are going to have to be made as well as sacrifices but that's how life is most of the time you can't blame yourself for that."

                            After going over a bit more about what was going on how I was trying to deal with it all, Maud spoke up well really Dr.Carson wanted to understand how she felt about everything and how she was taking it all in."I don't know how to feel I never had a close relationship with Sebastian but I'm so close with Carla and I want to support her but I don't trust him he manipulated her and I don't even think she realizes that it's still affecting her. She's put off so much to do important things for us and I know she's doing this for herself she wants him to be there, but that doesn't change the fact that he hurt her. But she wants to understand why and this is one of the reasons I can't stop hating him being near her but this is what she wants. And Clotilda you're a big part of her life she slowed down and went one step at a time to do everything for you she loves you probably more than the world itself you shouldn't feel guilty for being loved. I just don't want her to push herself if it doesn't work out and I know he's changed but I've had to think and sit on this information for years now and I want her to go for it but I don't think she understands that she still is affected by what happened. Even after everything she still pushing away her emotions like they're not important enough to focus on that she's not important and that pisses me off that she could think of herself so lowly. She put her life on hold to give us a proper childhood nothing was too big taking parenting classes for months preparing and buying gifts hell she fully cleaned out panted and furnished are rooms to fit us made every birthday, holiday perfect and she does this to herself. She deserves so much better and I don't want her to lose hope at finding closure but I can't stand to see her in pain I don't know what to do."When Maud was done talking she was out of breath and looked to be about to cry I'd never seen her so distraught over anything she always just looks so fatigued all the time I think she might have CFS but that is just a theory really. I go to hug her not knowing what to do knowing she went years with this information knowing what happened to our sister someone I saw as a mother she had to go with me and Dad on trips, birthday events everything and could do nothing but sit in silence not want to hurt me in the end."Ms.Larrson from what I can see and can take from your emotions you feel helpless in this situation you don't know what to do even after sitting on these feelings for so long, you don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth that not even she has picked up on you can tell and you don't want to be the one to rip the band-aid you see yourself as being selfish for trying to get her to know what she's missed in the middle of everything all I can say to you in to find the best decision for you and everyone involved really."After Dr.Carson gave us some things to think about for our next session we were already making our way to the car thinking about everything, we really need this, didn't we?