Unti-unti, nagkakaroon na muli ng buhay ang paligid ko. Sometimes, I'll find myself laughing more, more than I realize.
"Isang lap pa!" sigaw ni Aly, we're jogging because he said he needs it according to his Doctor, and I know I do too. Naka-leash si Paige--the beagle, pero humihinto rin kapag humihinto ang Ama niya.
"Stop! wait, tama na muna," hinihingal kong sabi. Ang tagal na nung huli akong tumakbo, pakiramdam ko bibigay na ang katawan ko.
Tinawanan ako ni Aly. "Akala ko ba tatalunin mo 'ko?"
"Ugh. Fine, you win! can we rest naman?" pag-iinarte ko, pero talagang hindi ko na kaya ang init. Marami naman na rin akong nailabas na pawis.
Umupo kami sa gutter at inabutan niya ako ng tubig, habang siya naman ay inabutan ko ng towel. Hindi na kami nagugulat kapag may mga ginagawa kaming nakasanayan na noon, na unconsciously naming nagagawa ngayon. I can't help but get amazed pa rin sa tatag ng friendship namin.
"Did you have fun, Paige?" I asked the dog, she wiggles her butt while her tail is wagging.
Nilingon ko si Aly at hindi ko namalayan na napa-titig na pala ako habang nagpupunas siya ng pawis. Just like before, his sweat looks like diamonds against his pale ivory skin. Of course I'm exaggerating, pero nakakamangha lang talaga kase kumikintab siya sa araw, like a vampire. Tapos favorite niya pa black, edi lalong tumingkad ang balat niya.
Nahuli niya ang pagtitig ko. "Crush mo na ba 'ko?"
Hinampas ko siya ng towel. Gunggong.
"Asa ka. Ano ka, teenager?"
Natawa siya at tinabi na ang tubig at twalya sa string bag namin bago tumayo at nag stretching. Paige just stare at him.
"Red, nagkausap na ba kayo ni Illustre?" he suddenly asked, nakatutok sa'kin ang araw kaya hindi ko maaninag ang expression ng mukha niya.
Natigilan ako at ilang segundong hindi nakasagot. "Yes," tipid kong sabi. I want him to see that I'm okay, and I'm moving forward now, because that's what I'm doing.
He chuckled, "Okay."
"Let's go home, I'm hungry," reklamo ko, kanina pa ako nag c-crave for fried rice, egg and bacon.
"Bacsilog?" he asked, smirking, like he heard what I was thinking of.
Nakabalik kami sa unit and as usual, si Aly ang nagluto kahit sabi ko ako na, I also asked him if the choice of food is okay considering his health. Sabi niya ayos lang daw, I doubt it but he said he is recovering already and the cancer cells has nothing to do with bacsilog.
"You have an appointment with the Psychologist, right?" he asked after he took a shower, his hair is still wet and so he's drying it with a towel.
I already fixed myself, I am wearing a casual trousers, nude top and sneakers. I noticed his outfit, it compliments mine. Naka trousers din siya pero nude and white top with chains. It suits him well. Napangiti ako.
Tumango ako, "You'll go with me?"
"I'll drive," sabi niya.
Habang nasa sasakyan ay naisip ko kung ano ang career path na pinili ni Aly, I want to ask because I'm curious and I also observed that he's got more free time. I was wondering if it's not rude to ask, considering that he had gone through the treatment, I wonder if he had the chance to pursue a career.
I mean, it's not like it matters so much. They're rich in the first place, I'm just interested.
"What is it?"
"What?"
Nilingon niya ako. "Your thoughts."
Napanguso ako, hesitating. "Uh, what course did you get in college? I mean...we separated ways so I had no news of you." I only know that he was sent to abroad but that it is a lie naman.
Ngumiti siya. "Literature," he said and his face lit up. He must've enjoyed his time studying it, I feel jealous of his course, he pursued it without me and it made him happy. I know it's weird of me to feel sad but that's what I feel right now.
"Did you...have friends there?" I asked.
He nodded and smiled, "Yes, there's..." he paused at binalingan ako ng tingin.
"Who?"
Umiwas siya ng tingin at umiling. Now this is bothering me, buong byahe ay hindi na niya 'yon nabanggit pa, hindi na rin naman ako nagtanong.
So he had friends...
"One time na-late ako during exam, buti crush ako nung prof, pinagbigyan ako! Ang sama ng tingin ng mga ka-block kong lalaki e," natatawa niyang kwento.
"Favoritism," naiiling kong komento.
"Sunduin kita mamaya," he said. I just nodded and went off the car nang makarating kami sa clinic ni Dr. Janina. I'm nervous, I don't know why I am. Siguro takot akong harapin ang sarili kong nararamdaman, I don't want to look vulnerable. I don't want to appear weak, and I learned to keep it to myself so others won't take advantage of it.
"Good afternoon, Red," nakangiting bati ni Dr. Janina.
I breathed heavily. The whole time, I was talking and she's only listening and asking from time to time. She asked me about the goals I wanted to achieve after the sessions, and she oath to keep all the personal information I share with her.
"You see, we have these defense mechanisms that we pull whenever we are threatened or triggered by anything," she explained.
Tahimik lang ako habang nakikinig. Siguro dahil sa mabangong air purifier ni Doc, kaya ako nagiging komportable at magaan ang pakiramdam. She explained the levels of the mind, at ang interesting nito. Sabi niya, mayroon daw unconscious, preconscious, at conscious. Ang conscious ang mga bagay na readily available sa isip, lahat ng natatandaan at naaalala.
Ang preconscious ay mga ala-ala na hindi mo man naiisip ngayon, kapag may pagkakataon ay pwede mo iyon maalala gaya ng address mo noong bata ka, o ang teacher mo noong grade 1.
"You said you've forgotten some memories, right?" she asked.
"Yes." I recalled it. I forgot about August, I forgot that I almost took my life. I was insane. But now I remember.
"That is Repression. It happens when you unknowingly pushes the painful or unacceptable memory into the unconscious, this doesn't happen often, but mostly happen after a traumatic event."
I reflected.
Hanggang matapos ang session ay wala akong masabi kay Dr. Janina kundi, "Salamat."
I didn't know therapy is this good, I feel like I'm validated. I wasn't judged, hindi ako pinag-isipan na 'baliw' o wala sa sariling pag-iisip. I was told that I acted the way I did because I was triggered, and it is understandable, and valid. I can't believe I would hear it from a stranger! Although of course it's her job to make me feel good, she didn't pressure me to be okay.
"Feeling better?" bungad ni Aly pagpasok ko ng shotgun seat.
I nodded, "Yes." I smiled, weeks ago I couldn't imagine myself saying this.
Napahinto si Aly bago ngumiti at inabot ang ulo ko para guluhin ang buhok ko! "I know you'll be," he said. May inabot siya sa likod at pagharap ko ay itinapat niya sa mukha ko ang isang bouquet ng bulaklak!
"What's this?"
"Baka bulaklak?" pilosopong sagot niya. Muntik ko nang naihampas sa mukha niya 'yon, but I'm at peace today so I'll let it slide.
Umirap ako. "I mean, what is this for?"
"Wala lang," simpleng sagot niya, I glance at him but he isn't looking at me. Despite that, he is smiling.
Receiving flowers on random days feels nice, hindi nga naman kase kailangan ng event to show appreciation or love to someone whether friends or family. Aside from Blue, my Dad and Aly no one do these things for me.
"Thank you." I smiled.
Saglit siyang lumingon. "You're welcome," he said and smiled.
For a second there my heart skipped a beat.
YOU ARE READING
Taming Red
Romance(written years ago, a draft that I decided to publish. bear with errors. thank you<3) Red, named after a color they said, I say it's a symbol of war, like the chaos in my head. I always find my name boring, but I liked the fact that my Mom thought...
