Prompt: Ethan's first panic attack when he was 10 (based on a prompt I also requested before), please?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ethan, are you okay?” mom asked.
Ethan looked up at her from the couch and nodded. He had a book balancing on his knees, but had been staring out of the window. Some boys and a girl had just ridden their bikes past the house, laughing and racing each other.
Ethan sank lower on the couch, forcing himself to look at his book. He wished he could have fun with friends like that.
Instead, he just got humiliated in front of everyone when Jude Tibbits tripped him in the cafeteria, or when Nate stuck a “kick me” sign to his back and everyone went around kicking him as hard as they could.
Not to mention, Ethan had failed another history test. But he didn’t mean to, he’d studied really hard. He just hadn’t slept the night before, tossing and turning and having nightmares when he did finally fall asleep. He’d been so exhausted.
Now his dad was going to be mad at him. The 10 year old fidgeted nervously with a page of his book. He’d have to show his parents sooner or later, and his dad was going to scream at him. He really hated it when his dad screamed at him.
And his mom…
He shyly peeked up at her. She was dusting off the TV stand and reorganizing it. She hummed softly to herself, looking like she was in a good mood. He didn’t want to ruin her mood. He didn’t want to disappoint his mom or his dad. He hated disappointing them all the time.
What if they got so mad at him that they stopped loving him? What if they didn’t want him as their son anymore? What if they got rid of him?
“Ethan?” Mary looked over as the book slipped off of Ethan’s knees and hit the ground. He had curled in on himself, and he was trembling lightly. “Ethan! What’s wrong?”
She was going to be so mad at him, and his dad was going to scream, and they were both going to be disappointed, and they would scream and tell him they didn’t love him, and the other kids would pick on him tomorrow, and they’d kick him as hard as they could and trip in the cafeteria, no, no, no…
“Ethan!” Mary cried, catching him before he could fall off the couch.
His body trembled viciously, and he kept flashing between too hot and too cold. His breathing turned into gasps, the way it would when he ate anything with nuts in it. He clawed at his throat, trying to breathe, tears in his eyes. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t get a grip. He was going crazy, he was dying, he was losing everything, he was losing himself.
“Ethan!” Mary said in alarm. “Greg! Greg, something is wrong with Ethan! Greg!” She held the boy closer to her, rocking with him. “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’ll be okay Ethan, please, you’ll be okay,” she whispered, tears in her eyes.
“What the hell happened?!” Greg cried in shock as he came into the room. He hurried over, pulling Ethan away from Mary and into his arms. “Go start the damn car, Mary! Is it his allergy?!”
“No! No, it just started happening! Oh my god,” she said in terror, grabbing the car keys.
Ethan ripped his shirt off of himself, gripping his dad desperately. “Dad,” he choked out, and started crying, shaking even harder, his mind spinning around, his sanity slipping out from him.
“You’ll be okay buddy. I promise you’ll be okay,” Greg whispered, getting into the car with Ethan, holding him tightly.
***
“A panic attack,” Mary repeated, stroking Ethan’s hair. They had taken him to hospital, afraid his allergy might’ve been involved. But there, they were told it had been a panic attack, and the doctor had sat them all down and explained it to them, telling Mary and Greg a few ways to help coax Ethan out of the attacks if they kept happening.
Ethan clutched his mom’s arm, his body still lightly trembling. They were back home, and he was still shaken from the attack.
“Hey, it’s okay,” she soothed, kissing his head. “It’s all oaky, Ethan.”
But it wasn’t okay. He wanted to yell that it wasn’t okay, because this was just one more thing to add on top of his poor appetite, the bullying, his nightmares, and the horribly sad feeling he always had. It was just one more bad thing that had to happen to him, and he didn’t understand why it was always him.
He snuck a glance at his dad. Greg was sitting silently, but his eyes were fixed a baby picture of Ethan hanging on the wall. There was an infinitely sad look in his eyes.
I did it again. I disappointed him again, Ethan thought, and closed his eyes, cuddling his mom. She hugged him tightly. He took a shaky breath, because something told him panic attacks were just one more thing he’d have to adjust to and accept as a part of his life.
