Borders & Rules

Chapter 32

I couldn't stop walking. The thought of school made me sick, and I'd have chosen hell over getting closer to where Jeremy might be. Yet, as if on autopilot, I reached the school gate, only to be suddenly frozen by a fleeting moment of doubt.

A tickle started creeping up my numb legs. I should have stayed home. My mom would have said yes if I'd played the role and asked to stay. I should have taken advantage of the chance. Instead, here I was, surrounded by the crowd at the gate, regretting everything.

People were laughing, talking, yelling, screaming. All those noises, suddenly so loud and stressing and overwhelming. It felt like the air was being sucked out of me. Damn. What's happening? Don't be obvious. Don't be uncool.

People pointed at me. I had never thought Jeremy could also talk, could tell people, could laugh and gossip. I had opened up to him far too easily. Was I bad? Was I too easy to get? Did he even like...

"What's up, man?" I snapped out of my heightened senses and found myself staring at Louis. I straightened up. Don't be obvious.

I gave him the high five he expected. He had his skateboard tucked under one arm, his sunglasses on, and a cap pulled low over his eyes. "Shit, man," he said, starting to walk. I automatically fell in step with him. "I'm wasted."

"Mhm. Same."

"That spliff hit me proper." That's when it hit me. It hadn't been a cigarette. Damn it. No wonder. How could I have been so stupid and naive? Louis had even joked about it. 'Cigarettes' have an effect. Had they been laughing at me for thinking it was just a cigarette?

As we walked through the hallway, another realization began to dawn on me. It wasn't unusual for people to stare at Louis, the cool and handsome Louis, but why did I feel like they were staring at me too—and not in a good way?

Was I just imagining it? Did they know? Had someone seen us and spread the word? Did they all know?

I managed to brush it off at first, convincing myself I was just being paranoid. Everything was fine now—whatever had happened was in the past. It was probably just my old mistrust from what had happened with Kevin creeping in, making me doubt things that weren't really there. That's what Naomi would have said. 

But then I heard it—someone said my name. People turned away as I looked at them.

There was a picture on my locker.

My fingers trembled, so I shoved my hands into my pockets, trying to hide my fear. But a wave of heat washed over me from head to toe, and I knew, deep down, that this was going to be bad.

It was one of those small Polaroid pictures—a photo of me. At the party. In the bathroom.

I was lying on the floor. Next to me was a beer bottle I definitely hadn't drunk. They had placed it there, right in the puke, perfectly positioned to mock me. The bottle was broken at the top. My hand was awkwardly splayed out, like I had tried to reach for something but failed, dangerously close to my now injured finger. 

It was incredibly embarrassing, don't get me wrong. But that wasn't the worst part. Under the picture was the word that really hit me hard: Faggot.

"Shit, Felix," Louis said as I took the picture down from my locker, my hands sweaty, shaking. People whispered behind me. I clenched my jaw and fought back the tears. I wouldn't give them what they wanted. I wasn't like I was back then.

I turned around and walked right out of the school doors, crushing the picture in my right hand. As I passed a group lingering in the schoolyard with Jeremy, my gaze inadvertently met theirs just as Jeremy looked at me. 

I won't tell anyone, he had whispered, his breath warm and heavy against my ear. His brown eyes seemed so unfamiliar to me now. The way he looked felt distant, as if he were a stranger. It burned in my chest as I looked back at him. 

I'd been through this before—love turning into pain. Betrayal. It hurt deeply. Experiencing it again, I decided to put an end to it and vowed never to face it again. I started mapping out every possible way to ensure our paths would never cross again.