𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘤. [𝘢 𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘪 𝘢𝘶]

Thirty Six

Some people just aren't mean to be together, and some people are.

Ricky and I weren't meant to be together.

If we were, he would still be here.

The house is too quiet without him. The bed feels so much bigger now that he's not in it. Hazel never barks anymore.

Things are weird.

I haven't been to school in two weeks.

I might be in danger of not graduating if I don't go back, but every time I walk those halls is a constant reminder that the love of my life isn't here to walk them with me.

I can't walk past Ej's locker with the memory of us spray painting it. I can't sit in the lunchroom at the table he sat at.

I haven't showered in days.

I've been in our bedroom, the one I always cuddled him in and fell asleep to dreams in which he was still alive.

I feel like I'm going insane. Like I can't function properly without him.

I still have this false hope that I'm gonna wake up one morning and see him laying next to me.

I'm nineteen now, but I don't care. He wasn't there to wish me a happy birthday.

I felt as if every bone in my body had gone numb. Like I was constantly sick and the only medicine was Ricky.

"Nini? Can I come in?" I hear Levi's voice ask from outside the door of the bedroom, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah," I reply, softly but loud enough for him to hear.

The door opens and Levi walks in dressed in his tux. When he see's I'm not dressed yet, he looks at me with a saddened expression.

"Come on, Neen. We can't be late."

When he sees I don't move, he sighs and gets onto the bed. He then grabs me and pulls me into his chest and his arms wrap around me. "I miss him too, Nini. I feel like I just lost a brother."

"I feel like I just lost myself." I reply, my voice breaking as I lean into Levi.

"These next couple months, maybe even years, are gonna be hard. But this is the first step in recovering, so we don't want to be late. Y'know?"

"I'm never gonna recover."

"Don't say that. You're the strongest fucking girl I know. I'll help you, Lily will help you. Gina, Ashlyn, Ej and Kourtney will help you. We're all here for you, Nini. I know you think that you're fighting this battle all alone, but you've got a whole army behind you. And Ricky's helping you too. Whether you see him or not, he's there."

I look up at him and smile, "Thanks, Levi."

"Mhm. Now come on, get up and get dressed. Baby steps. I'll be waiting outside." And with that, Levi leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

It's not just me. Levi lost Ricky too. Lily lost Ricky. We all lost him, just in different ways.

I know he's mine in another lifetime. Maybe this one just wasn't our happy ever after.

During these two weeks, I've wanted to give up so badly. I wanted to see him again. I would rather be dead with the person I love then be without the person who makes living worth it.

But, I couldn't.

I catch myself looking at the promise ring he gave me. He promised to keep me happy. Now I have to keep my promise to him.