The Dark And Day

10: The Duality of Damage

A register, as always

A name called that isn't mine

Yet my mouth responds

As it does every time

Segregation in gym class

Boys on the left, girls on the right

My brain screams 'left'

But my body moves to the other side

A life spent on autopilot

With a dangerous secret to hide

Even though my heart breaks

I know I have to lie

Deadnames and shame

Losing myself in the red haze

Yet my pain seems tame

I still have a house

Even if it isn't a home

I still have a family

Even if by blood alone

I still have a body

Even if it isn't my own

I still have a life

And perhaps that is all I should ask for

Things could be worse

But they could also be better

These hands could hold hope

Not scratched by this rope

This mouth could smile

Without being on trial

This body could be mine

If only I could try

And then the name called could be mine

I could go left with the guys

And remove this disguise

And then I wouldn't have to lie

Because then I would have a life

That felt worth living

But for now I will hide

Because that house that isn't a home

And that family by blood alone

And that body that isn't my own

Are things I cannot afford to lose

Because who else would take me

And where could I go

If I let my secret slip?

So my heart will break

And this smile I will fake

Just for now

My only hope

Is that when I escape

I can fix the damage I have done