Ecstasy, Misery

8 | it's time that i confess

tell me, tell me what you really want from me

you've got to let me know

volcano girls - veruca salt (1996)

May 9th, 1998

Father was merciful enough to leave a bottle of aloe on my nightstand for me to wake up to the next morning.

That's how it always used to go; the branding, the abandonment and then the morning bottle of aloe.

I was fifteen years old when I last experienced the pain of the branding iron and I thought I'd never feel that pain again; I thought I'd learned my lesson. I also thought that waking up, I'd feel the remorse come crashing in and regret for going behind Father's back, but it never came.

Actually, the only remorse I feel about last night was defending myself to Briella; telling her I'm not a toy for them to play with and to never disrespect me again. In hindsight, my little speech feels a bit much and it's possible that I overreacted.

What if they don't like me anymore?

Then going behind Father's back would have been for nothing; the bright red scripture throbbing over my already wounded skin at the small of my back would be for nothing; my grounding that has been extended from 'until the end of the semester' to 'until the end of summer' would be for nothing.

That's right. I'll be spending the entirety of my summer confined in the house, studying the Bible and helping Father with various public, political appearances once he is hopefully elected Mayor on June 2nd.

I can't sneak out anymore; I just can't risk it; not after last night. I've never pushed Father further than the branding punishment and while I know he would never resort to physical abuse of any kind, I don't want to know what would happen if he had to get more creative with punishment.

I know Father is punishing me with the best intentions, trying to do his best to lead me down a straight and narrow path to Heaven, but last night hanging out with everyone, kissing Diana, kissing Connor - both kisses so innocent and soft and magical - it felt like they also had the best intentions, but their intentions left me without pain or scars.

It's left me confused. I didn't cause any harm to anyone by simply hanging out with friends or kissing Diana and Connor. Is this what it feels like to allow the Devil into your thoughts or am I right in thinking that just maybe, Father isn't right in the way he practices his beliefs?

Even just thinking that to myself causes me some anxiety; I don't like questioning Father. I've been raised better than that.

SuperNova76 (9:12 AM): Hey guys. Father was waiting up for me last night and I'm in more trouble than ever - grounded through the entire summer. Please don't come by and try to sneak me out. He'll find out and it'll only make things worse.

Gosh, this sounds like a goodbye, so I add onto it.

SuperNova76 (9:12 AM): But I still wanna talk on here! Keep me filled in on all your crazy antics. Last night was fun while it lasted :)

I bite at my nail beds as I watch for replies; Nessa is active already and hopefully she can relay my message to the others as quickly as possible.