Ecstasy, Misery

22 | you wanna watch?*

i love the way she licks her lips, see me jockin'

put a little twist in her hips, 'cause i'm watching

i get around - tupac (1993)

June 10th, 1998

Not much surprises me anymore.

Hearing that Harry and Connor are drug dealers really didn't even cause me to bat an eye, even after processing that new information when the adrenaline of the junkie showing up and shoving a gun in my face wore off.

I have no idea what lead them to feeling like this was their only option, but my mom went down for worse, so there's not much room for me to judge them.

I ended up putting two and two together and asked the girls if Ren and Jaiden are dealers too, which, surprise, surprise, they are. I assumed that's how they ended up meeting and becoming close with the group, but apparently Ren was Harry's childhood best friend. And Jaiden made their duo a trio later on in high school. I never would've guessed that their friendship has roots that go back so far; the two of them don't seem close to Harry like that anymore.

And Dylan's involvement? Well, like I said, I can't say anything surprises me, but I did have a little harder of a time swallowing that pill. I've known Dylan for three years and I never would have guessed that he would be dealing drugs; he always encouraged me to be my best self; to work hard in school, be kind and proper, and was even anti-drinking.

I foolishly assumed that he was following the same expectations that he bestowed upon me.

There were a couple times over the last couple days where I considered logging into my AIM account to get in contact with him again; to confront him and ask him how he could lie about who he was in all my time of being his 'best friend'.

But I'm too nervous to login on there. I'm afraid to see the messages that Dylan has surely been sending my way; I don't want to face that and, more importantly, I don't want to fall for his shit again.

Maybe it's better to just not think about him at all, even though there's still a part of me that does feel the loss of a friendship, despite the way he's treated me.

I don't know.

My mind is always spinning a million miles a minute and stupid Harry is still only giving me a half a pill for the morning and night, no matter how much I beg for more. He just rolls his eyes with a stupid little smirk, definitely enjoying the fact that he has something I want and gets to withhold it.

Last night I didn't even feel the pain in my back anymore, just a tenderness to it as the scabbing is starting to slough away. I didn't tell Harry that, though, because I knew he wouldn't even give me the half if he knew I just needed it to keep my mind somewhat bearable. He's acting like the little pain med is heroin or something.

I yelled at him properly on Monday night for risking my life the way that he did, rushing up on a guy with a gun to my head, but he claimed that he's known the guy for years and that 'he's too much of a pussy to kill someone'.

It's been weird between us the last couple days. He's been more smirky and, like, smoldery than usual. He's been slightly more touchy, but in such a subtle way that I know I'd sound like an idiot if I called it out; a shoulder brush here, a hip nudge there.