Ecstasy, Misery

50 | connor

i don't ever wanna feel like i did that day

under the bridge - red hot chili peppers (1991)

A/N: Chapter 49 was published last night. Please make sure to read that first <3

July 22nd, 1998

"What is going on?" I murmur, rubbing at my temples, glancing up at Keegan's face again, to the entrance of the club where Briella and Nessa disappeared, and then over to the clearly intoxicated Connor at the bar. "I'm gonna go talk to him." I tell Harry, feeling sobered up all of a sudden.

Harry nods at me and I head over to Connor, who's now yelling at the bartender who's clearly swamped with drink orders a the minute.

"Hey!"

Connor twists around to look at me, his pupils blown out and glazed over as he tries to focus on me. And I realize this isn't just him being drunk.

"You're high?"

He laughs like it's ridiculous that I would be disappointed in him. "Come on, we knew it was gonna happen sooner or later, right?"

I shake my head absentmindedly, mostly to myself. "I didn't think it would."

He grimaces and takes a step forward, grabbing my chin so that I'm looking up at him. "Hey, don't feel bad about last night. I should've stopped when you said the word. I was caught up in the moment."

I can't help raising my eyebrows at him in surprise. "That's very considerate of you considering the state you're in."

He scoffs and flicks my forehead. "C'mon, now. I thought out of anyone, it would be you that might be capable of having a little faith in me."

I swallow at that, feeling bad for expecting the worst all of a sudden. "I do, Connor. And it's alright that you messed up tonight. We'll get you back on track tomorrow, okay? This doesn't mean you have to spiral again."

He looks pained by my words and I swear he even sobers up for a second, but I think I might be projecting my own emotions onto him a little bit. "I think I'm already spiraling, sweetheart. I don't really give a fuck about 'tomorrow's' anymore."

"Hey." I say sharply. "You're helping me and I'm gonna keep helping you. Whether you like it or not, alright?"

He stares blankly back at me, staying silent for a couple seconds.

"What are you thinking?" I ask, anxious over the answer.

"I'm thinking that I really really hope that whatever happens, you won't go back to Dylan."

I squint at him. "What do you mean 'whatever happens'?"

He shakes his head and looks past me, swallowing down a sudden burst of emotion. "It's nothing. I'm really fucking sorry, Nova. For everything."

My heart drops at his sudden change of demeanor and even though there's a part of me that doesn't want to accept his apology, that wants to remind him how shitty he's been 80% of the time, I somehow know that right now isn't the time to voice that. "It's okay, Connor. You don't need to be sorry."

He twists his pursed lips to the side, just looking at me, although with how high he is right now it feels like he's looking through me. "Okay."

"So what the fuck happened with Briella and Nessa?" I ask, moving on.

Connor rolls his eyes and laughs a little. "It was nothing. Just make sure you're there for Nessa, alright? Briella's a fuckin' mess."

Jesus. Connor calling someone a mess? Maybe I do need to talk to them...although, it's their relationship. Who am I to barge in on that?