What if W(h)en

DrUgS (Side Chapter 1)

I'm back to taking meds and now I'm a medicated depressed insomniac. I'm fine, totally fine. Have the first side chapter of What if W(h)en my dudes. After this, visit me by my grave, let's have a nice drink together^^.

Jin Zixuan was the arrogant one. Jin Zixuan was the dense one. Jin Zixuan was the idiot. That annoying stain on a white fabric you'll always convince to just fuck off and disappear. But Jin Zixuan was also hidden. Kind... Loving and good in his own way. He represented Envy. He was always envious of families... A perfect... Painted and prim family... No father being unfaithful and a mother who doesn't grieve and commit self harm. Perhaps it's just his stupid head again.

"Why do I let myself dream like this...?"

He can't fall asleep every night. He always feels something missing in his soul. Maybe it's love... Maybe it's attention... Or maybe the sky is filled with his thoughts that he couldn't even read due to the lack of the ability to have empathy. He envied people who knew how to comfort others. He envied people who felt comfort from others. Someone to hold you hand at night and to hug you. To watch the stars fall with you. To embrace you and make you feel warm, not the bed greeting you with a cold surface. Sometimes he just wants to drown in a cold river of the ocean even.

"Hey! Let go of her!"

There he saw it. That hero-complex. That beautiful face and those beautiful eyes. He felt envy.

Wow...

He felt envy towards this person he doesn't even know. Oh he bets he has a beautiful family with a loving faithful and nice father and a mother who loves and gives him attention. Someone who knows how others feel, someone who others know how he feels someone... Someone who probably has a perfect life oh someone who has a better love than anyone else... Someone good. Someone better than him.

"Let's be friends."

Friends... That's a new word... He never heard that before... Could he eat it? Could he wear it? Could I... Keep it...? Please... Just this once... I'm so tired of receiving things unnecessary to me so please... Can I treasure this...? Can I... Can I love this...? A foreign thing that I don't even know... Please let me keep it...

"Come on Xuan! My best friend!"

Oh, I evolved. This new best friend word... Is he closer to him now? Is he going to love him better than anyone else? Is he going to love him more? He watched him cry. He knows how he feels. He knows how to love him. He knows how to love me so will he... Am I closer to your heart? You're not going to leave me won't you...? You won't be unfaithful to me, right...? You would never leave me won't you? You'll never hurt yourself because of me right? Right? Please tell me please. I'm enough for you, at least right?!

"Xuan... You know I love you"

That smile... That damned smile... God I fucking love it so much that I just want to paint it and hold it near my heart. That smile. That smile that holds so many secrets I don't know. Don't you trust me enough to tell me your life? Why do you have scars? Was it because of me? Why? Did I hurt you? Did I almost kill you? Please tell me.

"I'm in love, with that man."

You're... What? Tell me it's a joke... You won't leave me too right? You said we were... I don't know? Friends? We're best friends right? Right?! Am I not enough for you?! We're best friends! You love me right? You won't leave me like my father did to my mom right?! You wouldn't do dogshit infront of me like my father does right?! You wouldn't... You would'nt leave me the way my mom did with her girlfriend right?! I don't want you to end up like my mom please! I'm enough! I'm smart! I'm handsome too see?! SEE?!

"He'll only hurt you."

"But he looks so nice..."

Oh... Nice... Yeah that boy in white. Beautiful eyes... Beautiful face... Pretty face... Good body... Good manners... Smarter than me... Better than me... Would my father be more faithful if his son was like that? Would my mother love me more if I was like that? Would He still be friends with me if I was as perfect as him... I'm envious. I'm so envious. He's so envious of a boy he doesn't even know. Why... Why... WHY CAN'T I JUST BE PERFECT FOR ANYONE?!

"Why...?"

Stuck in a marriage he doesn't want. Looking at a future he doesn't know. Forced to love a woman with so many flaws. He can't see himself give his sweet seed to a woman who only cares for the unmatched prowess of a person. Someone is better than me! Someone is always better than him. Someone will always be better than him. Someone-

"Xuan..."

I can feel something growing inside my chest making it feel like butterflies were swirling around my stomach. Something was growing inside me that was a food source for those butterflies. It was growing. It was growing so fast that I almost choked. I hope those butterflies enjoy the taste of this new food.

"What...?"

Stop smiling...

"You're... One of the best things to have ever happened in my life..."

Huh?

"You're... My best friend and I could never ask for anyone as handsome... Funny... Smart and loving as you..."

He loved you? How? He doesn't even know how to love himself because he wasn't "perfect". How... You're lying. You are.

"And I love you... Thank you for always loving and caring for me Xuan."

Stop...

"Yeah. I love you too Xian."

I...

"Best friends for eternity?"

Yeah...

"To infinity and beyond."

He envies you. He envies that you're talented. Pretty and you're loved. You know how to understand people and you know the best thing to do. You may not have parents but you have a loving family. You may have suffered but you healed. And you are healing. He envies you because you're so perfect. You can smile carelessly. He envies you just because. I envy you, just because, Xian.