Unwillingly Together (BWWM)

3

" Life could be a dream" - The Chords

Life. What an interesting thing we all experience. Some are good, some are bad.

Life should be something that we as people should discover and lead on our own. It's not for it to be led by others.

Being able to learn from your mistakes and make your own decisions; not having them made for you. It's how you grow as a person. It's how you grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It's almost robotic like; the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I move. As if I am not my own.

My father has always been a stickler for control. Wanting everyone to do what he says when he says it. Never taking no for an answer. He'd probably have a heart attack and die if he could no longer be in control of our livelihood; my mother and I. Some would say we were his little ventriloquist dolls.

It's never really worked out in my favor, especially with being the only child. As an only child, I was the experiment. The way father could find out what to do and what not to do. I found that out at a young age and I sadly accepted it. I learned to just listen to him and do what he wants. It's worked out for me in some ways; I learned new things for myself and how I hoped to lead my life and it got me some materialistic things as well. But deep down, I knew that wasn't enough for me. I wanted more from my father. I was never able to find out what that "more" was, but I knew that the desire for it was there and hasn't left me since I was a child.

Mom was a gentle woman; as delicate as a butterfly's wings. She was not only my mom but she was truly a mother at heart. The type that made sure you ate before she did. The type that would spend five dollars on herself and fifty dollars on me. She cared. All that mattered to me was that she cared and she wasn't afraid to show it. Even in front of my father. I don't even know how she ended up with a man like father. They are two completely different people with different mindsets and intentions.

Father treated mom nicely. He wasn't like those cruel, abusers that would mold their wives into who they wanted them to be and have them act how they wanted them to act. From what I see on a daily basis, I'd say father loves mom. Maybe she loves him too or she once did. She has told me she loves him but she definitely does not love the decisions he makes.

Like the most recent one; Me getting married.

Marriage.

Another thing in my life that I should be able to do on my own. I'm twenty years old, still letting my father make decisions for me that I consider irrational. It's pretty pitiful; I pity myself and how weak I am when it comes to him.  To weak to even defend myself. I was never bold enough or to secure with myself to stand up to my dad. Tell him how much I hate what he does and what he makes me do. I've always imagined what it would be like if I could just open my mouth and say what I want to say. What I've always wished to say.

I met the woman who is now my future wife a couple of years ago when we were children. I was ten and didn't really understand what was going on. It wasn't explained to me until I was 17 anyway. Both of our fathers were looking for ways to bring up their businesses and keep it running. They became allies. My father proposed the idea of us getting married and like an idiot, her father accepted. It was then I realized our fathers are just alike; money hungry control freaks who are looking for any way to get what they want even if it's at the expense of children. Their children. They gave away their child's hand in marriage before the child could even understand what it was.

Her birthday was a couple days ago. I saw her again for the first time in ten years. She is a beauty. Definitely a beauty. At least I'm attracted to my future wife.

My future wife.

Aminata.

Her name. It's just as pretty as she is. So unique and unheard of. At her party, her father bragged about how she will be a good wife and how loyal she is. It's convenient because her name means trustworthy.

Soon, we'll be married, father has already set up one of our second houses across town for us to live in. According to him " A husband and wife should always be together". It's pretty secluded but not murderer lurking in the woods secluded. Soon we'll live there together and be with each other 24/7.

I can't say I'm excited. I know for a fact she isn't. At the party, she barely looked at me or said a word. She looked miserable the whole time as she sat next to her father from start to finish. They sat side by side as he petted her head while chatting with my father. It didn't seem like it was her party. It seemed like she was just there to sit and look presentable. She was more so doing a job instead of really celebrating another year of her life. 

It was nice to hear her voice when she finally did speak wishing me a good night as I left.

I can admit that she did look good. Very good. Her dress suited her and her skin tone as it hugged her body well enough. Her make up was professionally done and suited her for how she looks. Her lips, god those lips. Sitting there shiny with a small pigment color that made them pop just enough. She really filled out over the years.

I don't really know how this is going to play out. A part of me doesn't want to like her or be near her. The other part of me knows I have too and it fears that I might actually end up liking her. I already find her attractive, that's for sure. I just hope her personality is horrendous so I have no choice but to not like her.

A date is set for us tonight; our fathers idea of us getting to know each other better. My clothes are already cleaned and pressed, waiting for me to wear them. A brand new suit as if I don't already have dozens of them. One thing about this kind of life, looking presentable was a non-negotiable thing.

Sitting on my bed with my elbows propped up on my knees, they stare at me as I stare at them. They are there hanging, non verbally begging me to put them on. The date isn't for another 3 hours and I'm absolutely in no rush. I don't even want to go. Though, we should all know by now that I don't have a choice.

I've never had a choice.