Lonely Lovers (bxm | mpreg)

8.

2 weeks. I had been stuck in the hospital for two weeks, trying to recover- trying to get my pup to recover. I had taken a heavy blow to the placenta, it was a shock that my baby was still even alive- he was.. but barely. 

I didn't feel any more kicks, the slow heartbeat monitor pressed under my belly was the only thing that reassured me. I was far along, but no where near the time I could perform an emergency birth- something become increasingly more of an option. 

Sadly, that's what needed to happen.

It was 4 am when I heard the tell-tale flat line on the tiny monitor we'd glued our hopes to, my ragged and panic call for help alerting the night staff- my pup, my BABY, was dying. I was placed down under heavy drugs and rolled in- emergency birth. I knew what was happening and cried miserably, shaming myself for not protecting my baby. I couldn't feel anything other than a few pokes and prods, blearily sobbing when they announced the delivery 'It's a boy!'

I stretched out my arms, wanting my pup as they carried him away to the NICU- he was in horrible condition it seemed. I sobbed harder, earning shaky pets from none other than Taylor- I hadn't even noticed that he joined us. 

--

It was hours later when I got the news. He had died. My anguish filled screams and sobs filled the hospital, hands gripped my white hair as I rocked back and forth, utter pain and hatred at myself gripping my mind. I felt like a shell, my belly- and heart- felt so empty, I sobbed and cried myself hoarse, ignoring everyone around me as I looked angrily and disgustedly at the puffy stitches adorning where my pup had been taken. 

I was angry at everyone, and lashed out at the nurses, demanding to see my pup. As per protocol, I was not allowed, everyone knowing very well I would never let the still born baby go. I cried even harder at that, and gripped onto Taylor for any semblance of support, sobbing "I'm sorry.... I failed. I- pup- I....." cries of anguish and pain ripped from my chest as I felt tears rolling down my back and Taylor's arms wrap around me "Sweet boy... such a good mama.. held in there for so so long" I cried harder, shaking my head and refuting his claims with snotty hiccups and tears before crying myself into an exhausted sleep.