Tense

Chapter Twenty Eight

"I love you."

"Oh?"

"In a non-bro sort of way, y'know? Full homo."

"Kai.." Roan sighed as he rested his forehead against the brunette's, a slow song playing in the background as they swayed to the music, "How do I believe that you really feel this way? And that you're not just saying it because you think this is what I want to hear?"

"Because I swear I'm never going to lie to ever again, Ro," Kai frowned, "What I did to you.. It's the most terrible thing I've ever done and it kills me that I hurt you and what we had. And I've realised that the only way to mend it is to be honest."

"I do trust you, Kai, but I don't trust that you yourself know what you want or what you feel right now," Roan paused, "You're terrified to lose me and so am I."

"I know I get.. really in over my head and sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve you—"

"Kai, no—"

"Let me say this, please," Kai said as he lifted his head to look at Roan, "I know it's stupid of me to think that. But sometimes I just can't help it. You deserve the best, Ro, and I know dealing with me can be a lot at times. I'm not going to continue being a dumbass, if I feel that you deserve better then I'm going be better. I'm going to be the man that deserves you."

"That's what you don't understand, Kai," Roan said, "You already are everything that I could ever ask for. You don't have to change for me."

"I have my shortcomings, Ro, I know that," Kai gave Roan a sad smile, "And I know most of it is just miscommunication from my end. You're always so.. clear about what you're feeling and what you want. And I just.. I just deflect. I get scared and confused and I just ignore matters till they get out of hand."

"Kai.."

"That night when we had sex.. The reason why I came over to your house in the first place was so, so wrong on my end. And I wish I could take it back. But what I don't want to take back is everything that happened before or after that. I never want to take that back, Ro, you're everything to me and I can only wish that I had done things differently."

"What do you suppose we do now?" Roan asked.

"I promise I'm going to be one hundred percent open about my thought process from now on. I'm not going to run away from my feelings. Doing that is what pushed us away and I'm not ever repeating this again."

"Good. You better or the next time you do something stupid I'm going to whack your head real hard."

"I'm so sorry," Kai whispered, "I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am."

"I know you are," Roan gave him a small reassuring smile, "And I.. I forgive you, but we have to stay friends after this. I cannot be more than that."

"But what if I want to be more than that? What if.. What if I want you in every way possible?" Kai said, his eyes starting to water, "Will we ever move past this and have a chance at being more than friends?"

"I hope so," Roan answered, "But I'm going to need time."

"We have all the time in the world. Just tell me what to do to make it right." Kai asked.

"What you need to do is.." Roan took a moment to think, "Figure yourself out. First, we're going to study the shit out for our finals and ace them. Then we're going to move to New York, and you're going to explore and figure out your sexuality. Then we're going to.."

"Going to?" Kai urged him to continue.

"We're going to work on our co-dependency. And once we both have our shit together, and by the end of it if we still want to be more than friends, then and only then we'll take a step forward." Roan finished.