Learning to Cope

Page 14

TW: Blood and Mentions of Self Harm and Suicide

(for those who don't wish to read it, key details will be in bold at the end of the chapter)

August:

Ugh. this is disgusting. I hate this.

I put on my gloves and mask. How am I alive? Just from the doorway, the smell is putrid. I have to clean this up before he sees this, I also really want to shower, I'll especially want to shower after cleaning.

The night I went to the hospital, I decided it was time, I was going to end it all. I went to the nearest convenience store and spent my entire grocery budget on booze. So stupid. When I got home, I drank till I thought I wasn't afraid anymore. I have no family, no friends, and getting a job after being dishonorably discharged from the army is way harder than it should be. If I mention it, the interview is pretty much over.

I sat on the floor in my bathroom, hoping it would make it easier to clean for whoever had to deal with my corpse. Well, it's not easy, I know that now at least.

I had taken a razor out of the one I used to use to shave. It's still on the floor. It was terrifying, no amount of alcohol could stop my hands from shaking. I thought that if I cut my hip it would kill me but bleed less, that was incorrect and stupid. It bled a lot and hurt like hell.

I ended up panicking and trying to stand up to get my phone off the bathroom counter. As I got up and grabbed it, I slipped and hit my head on the corner of the sink. Not my shining moment. I would have died if I didn't call 911, I'm not sure if they would have even found my body for a long time. I have my rent on auto payments and I get money every month automatically so it would have to have been the smell or something. Or maybe they would have never found me, I'm not sure.

I'm glad I called... He may only be my friend because it's his job but Andrew has made me see the beauty in life again. It's not like I'm not still depressed and hate being alive, but it's a lot easier to keep fighting. I really enjoy his company. He's too kind for his own good sometimes though. What if I was a serial killer and decided to take him into my spooky apartment and kill him? He's dumb.

I think it took 2 hours but all the blood was cleaned up and I poured a lot of hydrogen peroxide on everything to make sure I got all of it. I bought these bright orange trash bags a while ago, they aren't quite biohazard bags but they are the same color. Hopefully, nobody gets hurt from this. I wrapped the razor in tape so it wouldn't cut anyone through the bag. My clothes are coated in blood now though.

"Hey Andrew?" I yelled, poking my head from behind the bathroom door "yeah?" he came running down the hall. "Can you go into my closet and bring me some clothes?" He does a fake salute "Aye Aye Captain!" I chuckle as he runs off. What a dork.

I have no family, no friends, and getting a job after being dishonorably discharged from the army is way harder than it should be. If I mention it, the interview is pretty much over.

I have my rent on auto payments and I get money every month automatically

I'm glad I called... He may only be my friend because it's his job but, Andrew has made me really enjoy life again. I really enjoy his company. He's too kind for his own good sometimes. What if I was a serial killer and decided to take him into my spooky apartment and kill him? He's dumb.

"Hey Andrew?" I yelled, poking my head from behind the bathroom door "yeah?" he came running down the hall. "Can you go into my closet and bring me some clothes?" He does a fake salute "Aye Aye Captain!" I chuckle as he runs off.