Unraveling Him | A mafia Story

Chapter 32 - A death sentence

"What doesn't kill you, fucks you up, mentally."

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Nikolas's POV

Guilt could make a man like me do indescribable things. Anything, I was ready to do just anything, but didn't know what, or even how.

The grief, the shame, and the sorrow tumbling down inside my chest, the chaos enveloping every part of my brain, it pulled me down, heavy, my mistakes are so heavy I could no longer carry them and move on with this life. Their weight had me dropping to my knees in front of her, hoping, wishing she could believe me for once, believe how sorry, how devastated I am, how even if she moved on, I'll never be able to.

The man who did those horrible things to her, he wasn't totally me. He was the darkest most twisted part of my soul, the one like Isaac said, is still there, it will always be there, haunting me till the day I breathe my last.

Guilt...it is the strongest feeling I've experienced, even more powerful than love itself. Isaac knew that, it's why he brought Cara here and not Natalie. He knew her mere presence was enough to break me down faster, and the truth is...he did. He accomplished something big when he made me admit what I admitted. Physical pain aside, I've never felt weaker my whole life.

So weak. So fragile. On my knees, in front of the woman, I wronged most in my wake. I have so much respect for her, things I wanted to say but couldn't put into words and express through letters. Respect, because how was she able to get through that? How is she not out there trying to ruin me back for what I did? How did she ask Isaac to stop when he was hurting the one person who hurt her the most? How could she be the perfect mother for him? The perfect wife who didn't get between me and Alex, who still lets him be by my side? How is she able to do all of that? Can she teach me some? Because I am stuck in this dark pit since the day I was born, and I just can't crawl my way out...

"What...what are you doing?" Her words came out breathlessly, her hand on my shoulder, pushing me away, "Get...get up," She added, a weakness wavering within her words.

My eyes flickered up, meeting hers, they were wide and glassy, a war raging behind them, shock evident in the tears that stood by the threshold refusing to drop down as she stared back at me. The anger from before subduing, the rage fading away and for the very first time, there was something utterly different in the way she looked back at me...like for once she understood the depth of my sorrow and guilt.

I kneel to no one, I said and I meant it. When you've been through what I went through, your pride is all you have left, the one thing you need to protect at all costs, but her...she wasn't just anyone, and I hoped for once only that she could see that.

When I didn't budge away, when I was too weak to move or speak anymore, she changed her seating, moving off the couch and lowering her body to the ground, uncomfortable with our previous position. Her hand pressed over my shoulder, nudging me backward, "Sit normally," She mumbled, before she sat down as well, leaning her back against the edge of the couch, and leveling herself with me.

Silently, we both just sat down there on the floor, across from each other, a small distance separating us, her gaze down on the floor, refusing to meet mine now. Swallowing past the rock lodging my throat and cutting off my airways, I lifted my hand to my face, wiping at whatever emotions I couldn't trap inside any longer. This day was slowly taking everything away from me.

Cara pulled her legs up, hugging her knees. She rested her chin on top of them, her eyes drifting to me, nervousness eating her up, fighting within herself, as if trying to find something to say back but failing. I shook my head, "You don't have to say anything," I mumbled, taking that burden away from her, signaling that I wasn't waiting for a response, "I just wanted you to know how sorry I am, I wanted you to see that I would never," I shook my head, "Never hurt you again, in any way," I added.