weak ➸ camren

chapter 13 ➸ it didn't mean anything

“C-can I kiss you?”

Lauren froze as soon as she realized what she’d said. Oh god, Camila was going to think she was insane for having feelings for her. Feelings that were becoming harder and harder to control.

Camila was going to tell the other girls and they’d all think Lauren was some kind of idiot. She could see it coming.

“I’d like that, y-yeah,” Camila said breathlessly. God, what was she even saying? Lauren wanted to kiss her. Of course she wanted to kiss Lauren, she always had. But a large part of her was terrified.

Lauren was thrown off when Camila spoke. She had said yeah? Yes, she had. Lauren took a deep breath, taking a step forwards and leaning in slowly.

“I’m sorry,” Camila blurted out, holding her hands out to separate them. “I-I can’t do this,” she shook her head and pushed past Lauren, running out of the bedroom before she had time to change her mind.

She wanted to kiss Lauren more than anything, and honestly, she would have given any other situation. But something was holding her back. She was in love with another girl.

Ana.

Well, Ana wasn’t technically real. Ana… or anorexia, as most people know it as, was the only think keeping her from kissing Lauren. It was holding her back from a lot of other things, too, but the urge to kiss Lauren… or just be close to her, was the strongest.

She was in love with her disorder. Not romantically… but she considered it ‘love’ because she didn’t know what she would do without it. And Camila considered that was close enough to the actual feeling of love.

Camila felt like she had no control. From the time she set foot on the stage during her X Factor audition, it was as if she was just a blank canvas, with no feelings or emotions. They molded her into this superstar, expecting perfection every waking minute and giving her no say in anything.

She didn’t get to choose what she wore, what she sung, what shows she performed at, it was all done for her. Part of her was thankful for not having all of that responsibility, but a larger part of her felt powerless. She felt as if she was just watching herself grow up without having any control.

For her, Real Camila and Stage Camila were two entirely different people. Stage Camila wore bows, Real Camila didn’t. Stage Camila was outgoing and energetic, Real Camila was quieter and softer spoken. It was hard for her to try and be something she wasn’t. All the girls in the band felt the pressure to be perfect, but Camila just couldn’t handle it over time.

So yes, she was in love with ‘Ana’, because she could control her. Camila could control how much she ate. And her methods of controlling were working, too, because each time she stepped on the scale, the number grew smaller and smaller. Camila didn’t have a goal weight. Her goal was just to lose. And lose. And lose.

And now she sat on the back porch, for once thinking about how much she hated Ana. How much she wished she could just be normal again. If she could, she would kiss Lauren. But she didn’t want to let Lauren in. Lauren didn’t know her.

The new her, at least. Lauren knew the innocent, cheery X Factor Camila. She didn’t know the scared, guarded Camila that she’d turned into. Camila wanted Lauren to know her, but the fear of letting her in was greater than the fear of being lonely. It was a fatal balancing act for her. Either way, someone would get hurt.

If she allowed Lauren to get to know the ‘real’ her, Camila was scared Lauren wouldn’t like her anymore. She’d rather settle for being just friends with Lauren than losing her at all. But now, they’d almost kissed.