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Ashtray had been blowing my phone up all night but I chose not to reply. I had way too much on my mind and decided it was best to speak to him in person when we had both calmed down.
When I returned from Maddys he was already awake and sat on the couch. As soon as he saw me coming through the front door he jumped up and came over to me, "Did you not see any of my messages?"
"I saw them," I replied simply, "I just wanted to speak in person."
"You could have at least said you were alright. I was up all night worrying," he persisted.
"Now you know how I feel," I muttered under my breath, thinking back to the night I had to spend with Jules.
"I'm just glad you're okay," Ash pulled me into a hug. I softened into his touch for a moment before breaking away, "Can we go sit down. We need to talk."
"Fosho," Ash responded nonchalantly but I could see by his shifting eyes that he was nervous.
He tried to sit close to me but I shuffled back slightly, "Just give me a minute cause I've got a lot to say and I'm not sure where to start.."
"You're starting to scare me shawty. If this is about what happened at the store then I'm really sorry. I should have told Lola to leave-" Ash began but I interjected, "You always say you're sorry but we still somehow always end up back where we started."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked with slight attitude.
"I mean we always do this. Something happens and then we both get hotheaded, you realise you fucked up then come apologising and I accept the apology because I love you," I explained causing him to frown.
"You make it sound bad but then you said the last part so now i'm confused," Ash furrowed his brows.
"Just because I love you doesn't mean it's not bad. This cycle we're stuck in is toxic as fuck. Surely you can see that?" I sighed.
"That's like every relationship. Someone fucks up then the other forgives them and vice versa," he shrugged.
"There is no vice versa with us though," I stated.
"So you're blaming it all on me," Ash spoke bluntly.
"No, all I'm saying is that you're always the one apologising," I felt tears prick as I spoke, "But I can't keep forgiving you Ash."
