Hold me tight

2.

                         2. There's my boys

I was standing on my balcony, I leaned against the railing while smoking a cigarette. It was midnight, and I'm fucking tired, but I can't sleep.
Or I'm too scared to. Tomorrow, or today, would be the day when I'm going to the festivals with Eevi.
I don't know how I should feel about it. Nervous?
I'm scared of meeting new people. All the questions of that what I'm doing with my life.. what job I'm doing and so on.
I do nothing with my life. I can't do anything because of my mental health. I'm always tired, mostly I'm grumpy and I do answer angrily to other people. They don't deserve that.
And what other people? The only person in my life is Eevi. I don't have anyone else.
I don't deserve her either. She's too kind and nice to me, even though sometimes I respond to her badly.
She's just trying to help me and make me out of my apartment, to do something.
And now when I'm her bridesmaid, I think I have to meet new people.
The people who are most important to Eevi, and I wanted it or not, I will meet them.
But they has to be only good humans, if someone like Eevi spent her time with them. And has fun.

The cigarette came to it's end, so I throwed it away and decided to go back inside.
I walked to my bedroom, and I grawled to my bed.
I wrapped the blanket around me and made myself comfortable. I closed my eyes, and I was just hoping that I won't see that nightmare again.

I woke up to some weird noices, I was very confused, and scared, because I live alone. And it sounded like someone was here in my apartment, without my permission.
I tried to be silent as possible when I stood up. The cold floor under my feet was giving me shivers.
I took slow steps out of my bedroom, and immediately I reached my living room. There stood someone, back facing me.
I frowned, she looked very familiar.
Slowly she turned around, and she gave me a sweet smile.
Her blue eyes were pretty, very similar like mine.
Her hazel brown hair was long and it was open, just like mine.
I walked to her, but I kept a little distance between us.
"It has been a long time." She smiled to me, nervously but still happily.
I looked her up and down.
"Mom.. what are you doing here..? How you got in?" I asked confused.

She showed me a key in her hand, and I stared at it frowning.
"I had a spare key, you gave it to me when you moved here. So I could visit here when I felt like it.. or when you were on your lowest..." She explained still smiling. But that smile was sad, she tried so hard to keep it.
And she tried so hard not to cry.
She opened her arms, and immediately I went to hug her. I closed my eyes, and we hugged like we haven't seen each other in a very long time.
And that's true.

"What are you doing here..?" I asked quietly, I was getting emotional.
She took a deep breath, like she always does before she starts to explain something.
"I.. just wanted to say hi..." She responded with her weak voice.

"We should see each other often mom..." I said while couple tears escaped from my eyes.
First she was silent, and only stroked my back.
It comforted me. She always did that when I was a young girl. When I have been crying after her all day, and finally she came home. Always looking tired, and she was. Then I runned to her arms, and we hugged long times.
Then we were making some food together. I helped her a lot with everything.
Because she was so tired from all the work she has done.
It was just the two of us, always. I have no dad.
Or I have, but don't know where he is.
He left us right away when I got borned.
They both were young when they had me. I think in that moment when my dad hold me in his arms, it became too real for him.
So he decided to leave. He left the whole country.
Pathetic, isn't it?

"We can't..." She whispered to my ear. I closed my eyes even harder.
"Why..?" I asked sadly. I knew the answer. But I had to hear that from her.

"Because I'm dead, Saga.. we can't..." She explained sobbing.
I cried even harder.