Hold me tight

8.

8. Can't reveal too much

I was sitting on my balcony, drinking coffee and watching how pigeons flew on the sky, to roof after another. An early morning, or not so early because it was 10am already. And not morning to me anymore, I slept only two hours.
I felt so much anxiety for the entire night, millions of thoughts were on my mind at the same time. But mostly I was thinking about one thing; what would be the nicest way to die?
I thought about future, what there could be for me.
Maybe meeting new people, getting a nice job, not being depressed..? See the world, travel. I've never done that in my life.
But at the same time, it sounds too scary for me.
I know that I can't run away from my problems, I can't get rid of my bleak and poisoned mind and soul. And heart.
Nothing is going to change. I don't want to believe that but I'm afraid that's the truth.
How could things be better for me?
Therapist is not helping anymore, or I feel like it.
I'm hiding my thoughts, my true feelings.
In my opinion no one else deserves to know them.
No one wants to hear them.

I placed the coffee mug on a small table and I decided to take an cigarette and a lighter. I put it between my lips, first the lighter didn't want to do what it's meant to do, but for my relief it worked after a while.
The smoke was flying away to the air, and I took my phone from the table.
Not any notifications. Well that's not a suprise.
Still I decided to scroll it through, trying to find something interesting.
But then I remembered one thing.
Last night we were at the restaurant and I still have Joonas' jacket. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I put the phone away.
I can already imagine how he's waiting for me to call or text...
I'm not in the mood right now. I can't even stay awake, that coffee wasn't helping at all.
But I have his freaking jacket, I need to give it back to him. If I'm keeping it for myself he thinks that I stole it or I'm sleeping with it.
What?

I wanted to let out a loud groan but my whole neighbourhood would think that I'm completely insane. Probably they would call the police.
I was done with the cigarette so I dumped it to a plate that was on the table. There were few of them.
I walked back inside and closed the door after me.
The jacket was still on the chair waiting for his owner. And the stupid piece of paper was on the kitchen table, waiting for me to do something about it.
I took it in my hand and I opened my phone, searching for the number thing.
"You think you're smooth Mr. funny guy?" I mumbled quietly as I pressed the right numbers one after another.
And as I was done I had to write his name on there. First I started to put his name on there, but I removed that.
"Mr. Funny guy." I whispered with an evil smirk on my face. You've got a new name Joonas. How's that?

First I was about to call him, but if he's sleeping? Or in the studio? I don't want to bother like that.
I opened messages and almost started writing to him, but my heart was beating faster than ever.
He thinks I already miss him, I can't take contact to him now!
But when then? Fuck. Should I call, or text...
"Fuck it." I let out and pressed his name.

The phone started to call to him, I put the phone on a speaker and walked around my apartment.
After a moment he finally answered and I felt like my voice would start to shake because of the anxiety.

"Joonas on the phone." I heard his voice, but it was completely silent in the background. Maybe he wasn't at the studio rehearsing?

"That's how you answer?" I responded frowning, but kinda amused. I heard how he stood up from somewhere and letting out a small gasp.

"Didn't except you to call me. How else I would answer? Whoever is calling they know it's me." He explained and his voice was so innocent again.
Somehow I could imagine how his other hand is moving around while he's trying to explain.

I just smiled stupidly and shook my head.
"You would just say your name, it's enough. We're not living in the 80s anymore. And I have your jacket, you miss it?" I walked back to the kitchen and looked at the jacket.