Mein Sonnenschein.

Chapter 5 | Another Day.

Richards POV.

I woke up and it was about 5 hours later. In other words, late late afternoon and the bus was no longer moving anymore. I groaned, turning over towards the curtain and pulling it back. I must look like a fantasy book monster right now as I kicked off the covers messily and crawled out of my bunk. Hair messy, eyes slightly red, groaning out of still being tired.

I need the toilet. First, toilet. Then fix this mess of a person i am.

I stood out of my bunk, slightly unsteady after just waking up, and relieved myself in the bathroom. Then looking in the small mirror, took to fixing myself. I cleaned my face with some soap on a black cloth and then rinsed it off with warm water. I fixed my hair with a comb and a small amount of gell to keep it in place and then left the bathroom. I got my bag and took out some clean clothes. Underwear, socks, a pair of black jeans and a plain black t-shirt. I put all these articles of clothing on along with my boots last.

Going down the bus stairs it was obviously very quiet, I could already tell most if not all the guys were off the bus. As I rounded the last step and saw down the bus corridor Till was the only one sat there. He was hunched over, arms leaning on his knees as he looked at his phone in front of him doing whatever he does on his phone. He must have heard me coming downstairs because he closed his phone and stood up, "Good thing you are up, I was just about to have to come wake you. We need to start preparing for the show."
I nodded my head understanding, "Yea, okay. I'm just going to get a bottle of water first then we can leave." My throat was dry, that and the fact that I've just woke up made my voice sound deep and rough, more than usual. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, taking a drink while walking off the bus with Till leadind the way.

The day went as usual, we had a few problems with some of the pyro this show but it wasn't our problem as the band, we just have to trust the technicians. Although Till did give his input as seen as he was a proper pyro guy before, he guessed he might be able to help. He obviously doesn't do pyro for us anymore, but he still knows his crap. After all he does still shot the shit most of the time.

Unfortunately, I've been avoiding Paul a bit.
Fortunately, I've been avoiding Paul a bit.
I'm very conflicted. Paul has been trying to talk to me, I know he has, he's been trying to talk to me throughout different times of the day but I keep shutting it down. He soon stopped trying. I feel bad, I really do, but hopefully he'll just think I'm having a bad day or something and he won't know it's his fault. Well, no this isn't his fault. No, it isn't. It's my fault, I should never have started feeling like this, but I can't help it either. Fuck! This is so annoying I can't deal with it right now! I can't deal with it at all.

20 minutes until we go on stage. 20 minutes and just maybe, maybe I can take my mind off of Paul and just be on stage. Be in that moment, with the fans, with the guys... with Paul but in our usual way, out friendly, joking way. Exchanging small moments of being close to each other. I light another cigarette as I've just finished getting dressed for the show, I've been chain smoking, or more like stress smoking all day now. I've been trying to act as normal as possible but someone has got to have noticed, if by nothing else but the smoking.

I feel a small tap on my shoulder and I turn my head to see who it was, hoping it's not Paul for once. Flake stood next to me, staring down at me. I smiled up, "Hiya Flake, are you okay?"
He gave a short nod, "I'm fine Richard. But are you?" I froze mid drag of my cigarette. Flake, of course Flake the quiet one who just happily watches everyone has noticed somethings wrong. Can I speak? I can't. What do I say? I have to say something because my silence will make him more suspicious. But my throat, it's all of a sudden so dry and tight. It's seems so difficult just to answer him. "Oh, erm yea. I'm okay Flake. Why...?" I tried to act and sound casual, normal, like nothing truly was wrong. "You've been acting strange. You've not stopped smoking, I mean, I know it's an addiction but this is next level, even for you. You have been zoning out like you've been thinking a lot today and you have been avoiding Paul which is the most worrying honestly. What is wrong? Maybe I can help." I sighed, leaning back in the chair I was in, taking a long drag from my cigarette and breathing it out. My other hand rested on the arm of the chair, tapping awkwardly, debating what to say. Flake sat down in a chair across from me, obviously observing me. His posture was very straight, his eyes were directly glued to me, taking in my every move. It made me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I didn't want him working anything out. It wouldn't take Flake long if he already caught on to it having a problem with Paul. And I was right. "Paul. Something to do with Paul. That's the problem, isn't it Richard? That's why you're avoiding him. That's why you're so freaked out." I had that sinking feeling, in my heart, in my stomach. My throat again tightened and dried out. But after an internal battle of thinking what should I do, relief hit me as I nodded my head slowly. Hanging my head I now knew I had to tell Flake. "Yea... Yea it is. Flake I don't know what to do. I'm so ashamed. So conflicted. I.. I can't work it out." My voice wobbled a little as I spoke, more rambled to poor Flake. All my emotions poured out. All my worries I just let go in one moment as I looked directly at him. "It was the kiss, in auslander. I mean, we kissed, right. Fine. For a good and friendly reason, yes. But I regret it. I regret it so much because I want it so badly. I want to be able to do that again. For longer. With the feelings I have for him reciprocated for me. Not just a kiss, but the caring that comes with those kisses. Something, Flake, I haven't felt from anyone in years. I thought I was just lonely but this feels like another level. And it's only been what.. a day! I feel like a teenager in a book romance for god sake! This is my best fucking friend and I can't even look at him because of these thoughts. I think I've liked him for a while but just suppressed it because he's my best friend, but this kiss has brought it to the surface. Fuck sake Flake, what is wrong with me." I put my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my knees while I take a breath and put out my cigarette which had burnt out by now. Without hesitation I lit another and took a long drag, exhaling it with a sense of relief at the taste.