The Other Prior: Candice Prior || Divergent Fanfiction

Chapter 22: The Funeral

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I can't deal with it. Every hour is torture. Just when I thought that maybe, just maybe, things were getting better, life throws this at me. Jake hasn't left me alone. He got what he wanted. He wanted me dead, and he got that. Physically, I'm present, which means nobody will mourn for me, or cry for me. But mentally, I'm gone. I'm dead. I've fallen into the abyss of guilt that sucks me up and will never let me go.

And the grief. Jake was a friend. And it hurts every time I realize that he is gone. It is nothing compared to what Mia is going through. She collapsed on the walkway of the chasm just a few hours ago, and it took me a heart breaking two hours to tear her away from the spot. She's at the dorms getting ready for the funeral, which I have an inkling may not be like she has come to expect, growing up in Amity. It is Dauntless. It seems only right that the funeral is done in the Dauntless way.

Everybody thinks that it was suicide. Something that I should, as his killer, be happy about. But I am not. It is an insult to his memory that now everybody thinks that he is- was the kind of person to shy away from hardships. For people who didn't know him, it is easy to believe. Every year, during the mental stage of initiation, one or two initiates throw themselves off the chasm walkway, unable to take it anymore. Jake wouldn't have done that, but now nobody will realize that.

They found a tattoo. On his body, they found a tattoo which resulted in me leaving the sobbing Mia's side in order to throw up. The tattoo, located just above his hip said love. And below that, though not many people saw it, Mia included, in very small letters that could easily be missed, was 'Mia'.

I ruined that.

I'm currently standing, with a tear-streaked face at the edge of the Pit as several hundred Dauntless people gather to 'celebrate' Jake's life. The ceremony has not started yet, and I am not sure that I want it to start, because this does not look like a funeral. It looks like a party.

"Hey." I hear a voice behind me, which causes me to wipe tears away from my eyes, smudge my makeup more than it already was, and turn around. To my momentary delight, I see Shauna. I fling my arms around her quick enough that she doesn't see my face, embracing her more readily than I have ever embraced anybody before.

"I'm sorry, I just really needed this." I say, pulling away from her, guilt rising above me. My mind tells me that I don't deserve the comfort a hug offers. And maybe my mind is right.

"Hey! My Abnegation friend just offered to hug me. I'm not complaining. Just a word of warning: If you felt really strongly about Jake, this isn't the best place to be." She says, which confirms my suspicions that this is going to be a Dauntless funeral.

We stand together as the rest of the Dauntless gather. I see Mia come in with eyes puffy and red from crying, which makes me want to run away, but Shauna waves her over. She walks over to us and immediately buries me in a hug, a hug which I don't deserve to give. I stand there, awkwardly, not able to make myself hug her. That was Jake's job. A job I took away from him. Mia leaves us in a few minutes mumbling something about a bar, which most likely means that she is planning to drink the pain away. Shauna looks after her sadly, then glances at me, to which I nod, allowing her to go after Mia and make sure that she is safe. I turn myself into a corner, the only place I feel safe in. Away from the crowd. Alone, like I deserve to be. I'm starting to think that the words that Jake spoke before he died are true. I'm starting to think that I'm a danger to everybody. I killed him, so I know I'm capable of hurting them. I'm capable of hurting everybody I love.

"We have gathered her in honour of our initiate, Jake who has gone on further than any of us have. While we are not sure of the exact cause of his going to a land nobody else has explored, it can be concluded, that like it almost always happens during the mental stage of initiation, her has chosen the braver path. Not many of us here are brave enough to take that road, even though we call ourselves Dauntless. Jake was braver than many of us, and for that, we need to praise him. Let us celebrate his life as one of the bravest members Dauntless has seen." Max clears his throat after the speech and steps down from the pavilion leaving me in anguish.