Stung by a Bee || Tubbo Angst

🐝 Chapter 11: Smoke and Mirrors

Trigger warning !! This chapter contains:
Mention of facial dysmorphia
Mention of smoking/cigarettes
Arguing
Brief mention of self-harm
Self-Deprecating thoughts
Panic attacks

Read this with caution and if you're uncomfortable with it, I advise you click out now! Stay safe <3
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Tubbo POV:

Ranboo and I were just getting back from therapy. It was okay, it's still going to take a while to get used to talking to someone I don't know well. If it will help me to cope and get better then I guess I'll keep going.

"Hey Tubbo, do you want something to eat?" Boo asked.

"Uh yeah sure, we should have beans on toast." I said, and I knew exactly what I was doing.

Ranboo visibly shuddered at the mention and I laughed at the fact.

"Okay, you, can have beans on toast. I'm going to have a normal meal like a sandwich."

I rolled my eyes sarcastically, then sat on the couch. Exaggerating my yawn and put on a shitty tv show. About 10 minutes later Ranboo walks in with two plates in his hand, one with toast and beans and a sandwich.

He hands me the toast but makes a sarcastic disgusted face in the process.

"It's really not that bad boo, just try ittttt!"

"One day, but today is just not that day tubbo."

"You're no funnn."

He ignored me and started to eat his lunch. We continued to watch tv and talk for about an hour.

"I'm going to take a small nap before streaming, see ya in a bit." I said before I made my way to my room.

I felt bad lying because obviously I wasn't going to nap. Once I was in my room I made sure to lock it, I couldn't risk him walking in. Then I walked to my window and opened it all the way.

Then, reaching into my drawer and pulling out a lighter and a box of cigarettes I had stashed away. I took one out and walked back over to my window. I lit the cigarette with caution and brought it to my mouth.

I inhaled it and blew the smoke out after. It doesn't taste very good but I needed something else besides self-harming. After, I just threw it out of my window and closed it. I turned around to grab air freshener in case any of the smoke didn't go out of my window.

I was met with the face of a very disappointed Ranboo.

How did he get in.. I thought I locked it? Maybe I didn't? I can't remember.

"Tubbo..?"

I stayed silent.

"What were you doing?"

"I was just looking out of my window, getting fresh air you know?"

"Tubbo I'm not an idiot! I saw that you were smoking.. How could you do that?"

"I-I don't know I was just-" He cut me off.

"What do you mean you don't know?? Do you what you could do to your body?"

"yes.." I muttered.

"So please stop, I love you Tubbo. You're my best friend but I don't know what I can do to help you. I'm really trying, and I know you are too. But please do not do this to yourself."

I was taken aback because he raised his voice. Not to the point of yelling but I've never heard him been genuinely upset like that..

I'm such a failure for doing this.. I make everyone around me miserable and I don't even try to change. I'm so selfish, I don't know what to do I don't know..

My vision was getting blurry I couldn't see. I could still hear Ranboo talking but it was muffled and I couldn't make out what he was saying. What was he saying?

I grasped something was it my desk? I can't tell. What's going on I can't see anything, I can't hear. I sat my head on my knees and hands over my head. I was crying uncontrollably yet I can't hear.

I felt someone putting their arms around me and comforting me. After about 45 minutes my hearing stopped being so muffled and I heard ranboo still talking to me. I pulled my head up through teary eyes and saw him. He was crying too, I just hugged him tightly.

"Thank you boo.." I whispered.

When I pulled away my hands were shaking, well my whole body was shaking. That was the worst panic attack I've ever had. Ranboo smiled at me through teary eyes and red, puffy cheeks.

I only got a glimpse at how sad Ranboo looked and my eyes began to tear once more. I feel awful..

"I-I'm really sorry boo.." I said through a shaky voice. I could barely speak.

"Don't be sorry Tubbo, I didn't mean to raise my voice at you. I really just do not want to see you like this." He paused to take a breath.

"It really hurts seeing you suffer so much and I wish I could do more to be there for you." He finished. He was trying so hard and I'm only making it more miserable for him.

"I r-really appreciate ranboo, you and s-some others helped me a lot. I'm very thankful for that and I'm s-sorry I'm not seemingly g-getting better."

I hugged him again and went to the bathroom to wash my tear-stained face. My eyes were so sore and puffy, and my whole face was red.

Then I took a closer look. Why does my face look like that? Everytime I look in the mirror I don't see me. That's not me.. I don't look that bad do I? No.. surely not.

But I can't help to stare back at my disgusting reflection, my face looked distorted. I don't see me. My heart rate fastens with each state at the mirror. I tried to stop looking but once I see how disgusting I really am I can't stop.

Ranboo then walked in and nearly dragged me out because he saw me staring. I looked up at him with tear filled eyes once more. I felt angry, I didn't know why.

I'm glad he came in when he did, I almost spiraled into another panic. Ranboo told me to try to sleep. To be honest, I needed it.

He made sure I felt comforted and safe, I wish I could do the same for him. He's seriously the best person I've ever met.

I tossed and turned for several hours without an ounce of sleep. My eyes were fixed onto the wall in front of me. Why can't I sleep? This is so frustrating.

What do I do? I just want to sleep.. I'm tired. I stared at my wall until seven in the morning. All I did was lay there, laying until Ranboo came to wake me up. I guess I beat him to that.

My body felt limp; having absolutely no energy to move whatsoever. Ranboo looked concerned but I told him I didn't get any sleep last night so he let me rest.

Do you ever wonder why people use the phrase smoke and mirrors? Well, now it seems so fitting. All I do is try is run from my past, the truth. The trauma it holds, the boundaries it breaks.

I can't see through the fog and don't plan to, not until I stop running that is. Running my own smoke and mirrors.
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1,245 words

A/N

hello :] i'm sorry this chapter took a little longer to make i just having had the motivation really. i like to take my time to make sure the story is what i want it to be. if i rush it then it'll come out sloppy and bad. though i do apologise for the large gaps. i hope you're all doing well though and don't hesitate to ever reach out! bye for now <33

(apologies for the shorter chapter as well i was quite tired)