Trapped inside this madness

As you wish.

You kept silent for a moment. Go on. Sure, but how? You still had the assumption Crane had something to do with this whole Scarecrow thing. Little did you know he was Scarecrow. You stared on your hands trying to find some words. You've always wanted some danger in your life. Now you had your own dangerous story and you hated it - you did, right? Your life was more exciting than ever before - having a handsome therapist, meeting a Gotham villain but was this really the life you wanted? For now you couldn't find an answer.

"S-sorry.", you continued. "I got lost in thoughts for a moment. You know... about Scarecrow. I think he loves fear. He's addicted to fear. I have no idea how he causes it but yes. He loves it. Yesterday I told him... I wasn't scared but I. I lied." You were on the horns of a dilemma. On the one side you didn't want to admit you were scared and just wanted to act to be fine because if Crane really knew something about this creature he just would feed him with this information. But on the other side Crane was still your psychiatrist. You needed someone to talk to and you couldn't talk to this about your friends or your mother.

None of your friends got in touch with you after you tried to call them. Of course you wouldn't text them again and ask for help or a sympathetic ear. And even if you had an amazing relationship with your mother, you couldn't call her as well. She would be worried, would get on the next train to Gotham or ask you to come back home. That wasn't an option. So you remained silent and told her everything was fine. 

Crane cleared his throat and crossed his fingers. He stared into a void and shook his head. Thinking about this whole situation. You were still his favorite patient and inside him, he already celebrated your words. You weren't immune against his fear toxin, no. You just tried to overcome your fears. "Good.", he whispered. "I mean, it's good that you're open to me, telling me this. You don't have to be ashamed of fearing Scarecrow. As I told you before, we'll get through this. That's part of my job, right? Helping my patients facing and fighting their fears and I've always been a specialist in fears." Oh yes, he was. He was the one who invented the fear toxin. The one who tested it on his patients and with depths of enthusiasm on you. His little project. 

"Should I be scared of you then?" you rose an eyebrow. You tried to said this as a joke but acutally it was an honest question. "You should." The coldest shiver you've ever felt ran down your spine. The way he answered was scary. Dark. Serious. You knew he was completely honest about this. A devilish grin appeared on his face. He winked at you, "You should see your face. Speechless. Scared. I'm just kidding, Y/N. I did not study fears to torture you. I did it to help people like you." His voice was calmer now, more friendly as well. He wanted you to trust him in this and again: you were in a dilemma. To trust or not to trust? 

You had so many disappointments in life - what you already told him - it was no surprise you didn't give your trust away easily. Out of nothing. Because he was handsome and nice and your savior once. Still: Trust issues. "I wish I could trust you, Jonathan." you didn't care if he wanted you to call him Dr. Crane or not. Especially after that kiss - it didn't really matter. "And maybe that's the problem. I want to trust you but... how? Because you... saved me? Because you drove me home yesterday and came by today? Because you..." you pressed your lips together and made some strange hand movements. "You. Kissed me." you almost swallowed your words. Saying it out load was too difficult. Like you had a lump in your throat.

The kiss felt wonderful but at the same time so wrong. You did NOT want to be that kind of woman which fell for her psychiatrist because he just did his job: listening to your problems. That's all he did, right? You told him about your fears, about your toxic friends and boom - two days later he sat on your couch and kissed you and you even kissed him back! Were you the one to blame? Was he? There was much more wrong with you than you'd expected.

"Maybe I should cancel our appointments. I should.", you shook your head and rubbed your forehead. "Ask for anyother therapist. This feels wrong. YOU should have suggested this. As MY therapist because YOU kissed your PATIENT." All your different emotions overwhelmed you. "Or... is that something you do pretty often? I mean, I don't even KNOW you." You didn't want to say that out loud but you couln't take it back. One part of you had hope you were someone special. The one patient he kissed. The only one. But hey, you were such an insecure person and you have never realized how beautiful and special you were.

Crane sat silently on your sofa not understanding what was going on. Women was his first thought. He crossed the line with that kiss and he regreted it. Not the kiss in total, no. He liked it. He liked how soft your lips were, how insecure you seemed and how you tasted. But yes, it was a mistake because you were so incredibly reasonable. Who has taught you that? Your mother? God, he cursed her in his thoughts. His eyes looked you up and down, tried to catch every facial expression. Your whole body language. 

The silence between the two of you seemed to last forever. It was terrible. Crane finally got up and straightened his suit. "Listen, Y/N. I usually don't kiss my patients. So don't be worried.", he nodded. After you prattled away, he knew how important this kiss seemed to be. He observed how your body relaxed after his words. Jackpot. You were such an open book.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna keep my hands by myself. This won't happen again except you ask for it." "I won't." you burst out. It was more of a own defense. "In my opinion you should not change your psychiatrist. I already know a lot about you. About your fears, your friends. That you can't rely on anyone and THAT, my dear, is the reason why you turn away from me. You're worried that I will be the next disappointment. But you will ALWAYS have that fear, no matter how many doctors you're gonna ask for help. So why not sticking with me? Who already knows a lot about you. Even more than you'd expect."

You remained silent. How could he read you that well? It almost felt like he could read your mind. Right now. Yes. He was a good psychiatrist. "Do you want to talk about all of this again? Open up again? Talking about your fake friends. No. You're gonna stay as my patient." Sounded like he made a decision for you. You were okay with that. You couldn't have a clear thought. And you hated decisions. You've always been an emotional person - too emotional. That's why you often got into fights because you said what's on your mind. Not everyone could stand that. Maybe that was also one of the reasons why you've always been on your own: Your Emotions.

You nodded your head. "Okay." you whispered and looked at him. Searching for help by visiting a psychiatrist has been the worst decision. At the same time you wouldn't want to miss it. Dilemma! "I just have one request. Just don't ever... kiss me again or look at me the way you did before this happened." He got what he wanted even if this wasn't his intention. But you wouldn't get him out of your mind and for now you forgot about Scarecrow . At the moment you thought you were completely wrong by your assumption. "We're gonna have an appointment on Monday.", he agreed by nodding his head. "I want to start again. A new beginning like this hasn't happened."

"As you wish, Miss L/N." he went to his coat, got dressed and picked up his silver case with his mask and fear toxin inside of it. No, he wouldn't use it on you. Not today. But you weren't safe on Monday, that's for sure. "I-I didn't mean to say Good-Bye for now.", you mentioned confused. 

Crane shook his head. Something was different. Well, that's what you wanted. You wanted a new beginning like all of this had never happened. And he was totally going for it. Miss I-do-not-know-what-I-want didn't like that he changed his manner already. It would have been totally okay if he would have stayed for lunch or even dinner. You wanted a new start on Monday - wasn't that obvious? God, you really should finally start to realize what you want. 

"See you on Monday, Miss L/N." Jonathan said in a reserved tone. He disassociated himself from you - like you wanted. "Sure. Jon- Doctor Crane. Have a nice weekend." you forced yourself to smile. He was upset - obviously. And it was your fault. "Don't be late. We're gonna meet in Arkham." with this he opened the door and left your apartment and the building.

He was absolutely not okay with what has happened. Yes, he was upset and you would have to pay for that. During the silent moments he already made up his plans. His mind worked extremly quickly. Monday? This would be the one Monday you would never forget. You would never pretend again not to be scared by his alter-ego Scarecrow. Quite the contrary. You would fear him behind every corner or in any shadow. He had to punish you and he couldn't wait to see the fear in your eyes. Because this was his new drug. Your fear.