Trapped inside this madness

I need a friend right now.

A black room. You in the darkness. Your throat was dry, your voice was silent, even though you wanted to scream, but your body was too weak for it. Every inch of your body ached, and worst of all was the pain in your heart. Fear of loss and loneliness hovered over you like a great sword of Damocles. At the same time, your skin was tingling all over as if thousands of spiders were running over it. The darkness took you over more and more. Until your eyes went completely black.

Jonathan just looked at you the whole time. He had tried a new dose and it seemed to almost paralyse you. He didn't know what was going on inside you, what you were going through. But the fear in your eyes, your pale skin and the trembling of your hands were confirmation enough that the dose was doing what it was supposed to. However, the scenario ended a little differently than he had expected. You were only supposed to freeze in fear and not lose consciousness. "The mind can only take some..." he remarked calmly and knelt down beside your unconscious body. He placed his hand gently on your forehead - fever. It appeared that his dose was too strong. However, he remained completely calm. "Y/N, Y/N... Why does it always have to be complicated...? Couldn't you have just stayed in your state of anxiety for a few hours...?" he groaned in annoyance, "It's wrong again. He's not going to be happy about this." He. His client. Crane reached for his silver case and calmly searched for a small syringe. It was an antidote. Against death. "Your life is in my hands right now, Y/N. You look so incredibly beautiful when you sleep.... but even more so when you're scared," he injected you with the antidote and gently stroked your pale cheek, which usually always had a hint of pink. Then he rose and straightened his suit. He called an ambulance, left your flat door open and then disappeared into the night. He was not to be seen here.

*

Beep. Beep. Beep. Cautiously you opened your eyes and found yourself in an unfamiliar environment. It had clearly been a hospital. Your mind was still a little slow and your body powerless, because normally you would have jumped out of bed and run away. You hated hospitals and no one could keep you here for long. But just now you listened to your body, which was crying out for rest and help. "What happened...?" your tired eyes searched for anything in the room to call for help, or even answers. Next to your hand was a cable with a red button - you assumed it would signal to an orderly that you were awake or needed help. But before you could press the button, your heart almost stopped. In the shadows you saw a now familiar figure. Motionless, the dark figure watched you, "Did he do this to you? Scarecrow? Do you still want to protect him?" Protect. That's exactly what you had done the last time you met Batman - for the simple reason that somehow feelings were involved and it wasn't that easy for you. It was a fair question, though. Your throat felt dry and scratchy, "I'm not protecting anyone." Well, that was a lie. "Listen... I really don't feel well right now. B-but... yeah. It was Scarecrow." you admitted.

Admitting it was harder than you thought and it felt wrong. As if you had betrayed him, even though you had not even revealed who was behind his mask. But what was really painful was that Jonathan drugged you so much that you woke up in hospital. Of course, all of this was also on your mind and it was really hard for you to hold back the tears. "And now? What does the information do for you? You can't stop him. You'd be completely helpless yourself if he did that to you." You laughed briefly. What were you thinking? Of course, you agreed to all this to avoid ending up in Arkham and to protect your mother, but how could you let this happen? Allow someone to have such power over you? Allow him to use you, to play on your fears, and most of all, to play on your heart. You cursed yourself for somehow developing feelings. YOU. After all the betrayals of trust in your past. Actually, you went to see Dr. Crane to finally talk about all that. To work on yourself, to find out if maybe it was all you. Because those doubts were always there.

You were alone. You didn't trust anyone. You were hurt all the time. By family and friends. It had to be you, didn't it? That's what you would tell yourself over and over again, even if it was just because you met the wrong people. But it was always easier to blame yourself and doubt yourself. Of course you would have needed psychological support - but again, you were just unlucky. "You have to help me, Y/N. If you know who is behind his mask, tell me. If you can get me one of those cans, please do. I want to help people, help Gotham. And I could never do something like that to you. Think of all the innocent people who could suffer." "And who's thinking of me?" it wasn't fair. That wasn't your true-self, but it just came out of your lips. Actually, it was a fair question too, wasn't it? Sometimes you were so tired of thinking of everyone else and always having to fight alone in the end. But the fear - and that without Fear Toxin - of ending up alone was just too big at the moment. Who thought of you? Who would even notice that you were in the hospital? No one. And your mother? No, you wouldn't tell her about it. She shouldn't worry because she was in poor health herself. She shouldn't worry even more. As much as you would like to have her here right now and hug her.