Typical Secrets

T W E N T Y - S I X

I want to kill myself.

My first thought when I woke up at 4 am. I kept thinking and thinking, if I had been more like the other girls, more popular or prettier, maybe even smarter, he wouldn't have been embarrassed by me and people would know we were dating. Maybe I was the problem all along.

I've been bottling my feelings up since yesterday. My eyes were exhausted from crying and my mind was mentally tired of blaming myself. I heard the girls talk about me and what they would do to him. I don't even want to say his name, I don't want to think about him at all.

It was moments like these I didn't want to exist. The moments where I can feel my heart aching. He was never embarrassed about showing Stephanie off on his social media, and they weren't even dating. It's like a punch in the face every time I try to figure out why he did it.

I know why he did it. I just don't want to admit it to myself and cause more destruction.

I sat up and sighed when I saw none of the girls, they probably left before I woke up on purpose. I was about to get up and get dressed until the door went up. I looked and saw Milan, he slowly entered while closing the door behind him.
"Jasmine told me what happened, and that I was the one that messed things up for you and Ryder when I came over and said hi. Sorry about that." He said and walked closer, to stand in front of me.

"It's fine, you didn't know," I said and shrugged it off, shaking my head. I was convinced that everything that went down was Ryder's fault. All him. He fucked us up, and he knows it.

"I did know, actually. I heard you talk about me and Jasmine at the lake. I disliked the shit I heard Ryder say, do you know what I thought?" Milan asked. I shook my head, I had never been more confused and didn't know where he was going with the conversation we were having.

"If he thinks me and Jasmine won't last, I refused to believe that you two ever could. Rude of me, but only the truth."

My throat went completely dry. That meant that Milan had been following us and prepared himself, knowing what to say to destroy our relationship in a few minutes and being aware of it himself. Milan is the devil himself.

I got up and pushed him out of anger, continuing to push until his back hit the closet and made him fall. I forced him up by grabbing his arm and dragging him up. With force, I pushed him up against a wall and was about to punch him in the face.

Was about to.

I let him go and turned around in shame, having the first breakdown of today thanks to him.
"You know you're supposed to be his best friend, right? Instead, you're a piece of fucking shit." I muttered angrily, pushing the tears away and hugging myself, my head hanging low.

"If it makes it any—"

"Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear a word from you. Before I go to bed, I'm gonna pray to whatever god there is, that Ryder won't ever forgive you again. You're nothing but a shit friend, I hope he realizes that too." I turned around and spat, looking into his eyes for the last time before leaving the bedroom.

I hadn't even gotten dressed, but I knew that if I continued being in the same room as Milan, I'd end up hurting him physically and hurt myself mentally. I walked down the hallway and could hear him follow me from behind, it was just great. That's how every horror movie starts—getting killed from behind.

"You were never going to be his first choice, you knew it all along and still act heartbroken. It's like you enjoy getting hurt by everyone, your boyfriend and even your sister."

I turned around, walked toward him fast and angrily, and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.
"If I ever hear you say anything like that ever again, I will come for you, and I'm gonna make sure you can't walk back to the shit-hole you came from. How does that sound?" I whispered and then smiled.

Milan choked on his own words and then quickly nodded. I nodded back and let him go, pushing him away from me, and that caused him to fall. I continued walking and left, finding myself in front of the lake.

"Are you staring at the lake because you're considering drowning yourself?"

I turned around and saw Victor. It had been a while since we last spoke.

"No, but now you said it I'm starting to think about it," I said and watched him settle down beside me. He sighed and looked at the lake in silence, and I decided to join in on it.

"There's been a few rumors about you lately," Victor told me and turned his head to look at me. I shrugged and kept quiet, I didn't know how I was going to explain what happened.

"I can't tell you what happened because I'm not up for another mental breakdown," I told him and laid down on the grass, looking up at the sky.

"Tell me how it made you feel then," Victor suggested and laid down beside me, still looking at me.

"I've never felt this miserable before. My heart hurts at the thought of him. The thought of what he did, and that he was aware of it while it happened. I just don't know what to feel anymore. I spent so much time and patience on figuring him out, and what he wanted from me. I'm not mad about being his secret, I'm hurt because if he really loved me he wouldn't be embarrassed by me and we wouldn't have had to hide our relationship to start with."

Victor looked into my eyes, and then something behind me.

I should say, someone.

I sat up and looked behind us, seeing Ryder standing there with a crushed face. It made it a bit obvious that he had been standing there and listening to everything I told Victor.

"Good morning, Ryder," Victor yelled to him and then waved. Ryder's eyes removed themselves from me and to Victor's.

"Shut the fuck up." He answered and went back inside. I sighed and closed my eyes, laying down again.
"He won't get better, Victor. I just know it." I muttered under my breath, but he heard me.

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