Love Again ✔

15. Overcoming Fears

Rose:

Maddox has another game tonight. I'm on my way there, and I haven't told him that. Although I'm freaking out a little, I know that I can do this.

Something changed in me the night I told Maddox about Jaxon a few weeks ago. Admitting to him what happened made me realize a lot of things.

Firstly, my heart is no longer broken. Oddly enough, I now find it quite disturbing when I think about being with Jaxon. The idea of him being my boyfriend doesn't appeal to me now at all. In fact, it freaks me out. I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. I don't know if that means that I no longer love him, or if I never loved him at all. But it doesn't matter, I guess. Because all I care about is the fact that I realized that Jaxon leaving me was never actually my problem. That's not why I crashed.

My real issue is with myself, which brings me to the second thing I've realized. I've realized that I understand now.

I understand why I'd thought Jaxon loved me too. Because he made it seem like he did, even if that was him being a nice gentleman.

I understand why I had so much hope even when I knew he was leaving. Because I'm stubborn and I tend to fight for the things I want rather than sit by and watch them slip away.

I understand why I made a fool of myself and confronted him, despite my slim chances. Because I would've regretted it for the rest of my life if I hadn't tried and taken that risk.

I understand that some of the choices I've made weren't the best. But everything I've done was out of love. And I won't hate myself for that anymore. I still blame myself, yes. I still wish I never fell for Jaxon to begin with, that I took his warning to heart. But it's too late for that, and I want to be able to live my life without that guilt hovering above my head. I'm ready to heal now. And I'm starting to.

I've also realized that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Maddox believes that, and so do I. And he's been reminding me of that fact almost twice a day now. That I'm strong, and brave, and passionate. That I'm good.

So I've decided to prove that to him and myself, by going to his game tonight because he has mentioned how important it is a couple of times. Of course I'm feeling nervous and scared, but it's not that late and it's not dark yet, so that makes me feel better. Besides, this time I'll make sure Maddox walks me back to my dorm after the game. I also made sure I was prepared, so I have some useful objects in my purse.

I walk cautiously towards where everyone else is heading, and I'm happy that I'm a little early because it's not so crowded yet and I can find a good seat. I refuse to let any flashbacks of the last time I came here make my anxiety any worse. I can do this. I know I can. Last time I came here was for Maddox. This time I'm doing it for myself. I'm trying to overcome my fears.

I silently reach the bleachers, my sweaty hands fiddling with the hem of my black hotshorts. I find the perfect seat, on the first row, right where I can see the whole field. I hug my purse against my chest, trying to find some comfort and quickly scan the area. There's a short fence between me and the few security guards that are scattered around and my eyes catch Lucas standing as intimidatingly as last time I've seen him.

His eyes keep moving across the bleachers every few seconds, fishing for anything odd, and when they catch mine they slightly narrow. I give him a nervous wave with a small nod, because I don't want to be rude. Only, I'm surprised as hell when he makes his way over to me and stands right before the fence. "Ella, wasn't it?"

"Y-yes." I gulp. I don't know why I feel like I'm about to be scolded, but I'm glad that not a lot of people are around, and none of those who are are within earshot.