Love Again ✔

17. Safe With You

Rose:

Maddox left after I fell asleep last night like he usually does and when I woke up I still felt as confused as ever. I don't know what's wrong with me.

No, that's a lie. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I just don't know how to deal with it. The self hatred Maddox had successfully managed to rid me of with his affection and care is back, stronger than ever this time.

He's still showering me with everything I've ever wanted and more, and I'm still digging myself deeper into this endless pit of one sided love.

I don't know how to claw my way out or deal with this at all. All I've ever known was how to be open and honest. How to own my feelings and take the risk they encourage me to. But my love for Jaxon has taught me that as good of a trait that is, as catastrophic it can also be.

And this time, with Maddox at stake, I can never take that risk. So I'm left feeling confused as I can ever get, because I don't know what else to do. I want to push him away a little bit so I can slowly prepare myself to fall out of love with him, but at the same time I need him closer to me than ever. I need my bestfriend, my biggest supporter, with me through this. But I seem to be no longer able to differentiate between Maddox as a friend and as the man I love with every piece of my useless heart.

I have to do a better job at putting some distance between us now, I know I do, but as he knocks on my door like he does every morning to walk me to class, I find my heart jumping out of my chest, racing my legs to reach the door.

Only it's not Maddox standing there. It's a person I never thought I'd see again.

"Hey, Ella." Cassandra looks as beautiful as she has always been with her blond hair and beautiful elegant features. She has a soft smile on her face, but what truly has me trembling inside is the guilt and regret I see in her eyes.

"W-what are y-you doing h-here?" I don't even care that I'm stuttering like an idiot. I don't care that my eyes become blurry with unshed tears. I don't care about anything at all as I stare at the face of the person who abandoned me at the time I needed her the most.

Shock is obvious on her face before she swallows and clears her throat. "I transferred back here. Today is my first day and I wanted to see you."

I remain silent because I don't have anything to say to Cassandra anymore. A few seconds later she breaks the silence with another soft smile, one that I have grown used to over the years. "You look good, Ella."

She's lying. I know she's lying because the last time Cass saw me was a few days after Jaxon left, when she decided that her guilt was stronger than her will to stay with me. Last time I saw her, she said she couldn't handle the guilt of watching her best friend crumble into ash, because she was the one who believed in my relationship with Jaxon and encouraged it as much as I did. Cassandra decided that she needed to be away because she was too sorry, too guilty. She didn't care what I needed, only what she did. And I can never forgive her for that.

I was bawling my eyes out, throwing my guts up, depressed as all hell, when she decided to walk out of my life too. Yet I still looked better than I do now. Because I've lost whatever fight was left in me that day.

"W-what do you w-want, Cassandra?" I ask, wrapping my arms around my middle protectively.

"Can we talk inside?" She asks and I want to shout no but I step aside and let her walk in instead. Because a part of me wants to hear what she thinks she has to say.

"Your room is way better than mine." She says and I frown at the poor attempt at small talk, not the least bit interested to know why she decided to stay in the dorms after so long. She notices my lack of reaction and clears her throat again. "I missed you, Ella."