- cinira (nyiah's) pov..
- awful things - may 25th 2022..
i don't know why - but when i woke up for school today, the first thing i did was walk into the bathroom and took a look at myself, but all i saw was nothing.
it's like this a lot and it's actually getting a lil too hard to show that i don't feel like i look like nothing, but i do.
when i look like nothing, i look ugly as hell and today i'm ugly as hell. most days i'm ugly as hell.
that's not something people tell me to my face either, that's just how i be feeling. that's how i look. i know i look like nothing. i'ma go a little farther and say i am nothing.
no matter how much moisturizer i put on my face my skin is still dry. no matter how much body lotion i put on my arms, my legs, and my stomach, they're still ashy and dry, and i know because all i feel is ashy and dry. i think my thoughts are dry and that's why i feel like this.
i might just be dried out, but i don't know if that's a thing.
"nyiah, hurry up outta this damn bathroom! i'm taking you to school and if you wanna drag, i'm going back to sleep!" aniyah yells, banging on the door.
i don't like her and as much as i wanna scream something back, i just sigh, and don't respond to her. i don't have the energy.
i turn on the facuet to the tub and let it fill before discarding my clothes and sink myself underneath.
our tub not all that big but i can still give myself the effect of drowning.
i do it all the time.
even though i'm only able to hold my breath for fifteen seconds, i still stay under the water when i feel myself start choking on the air i don't got.
my lungs burn like a car that just got set on fire by a bitter ass babydaddy who found out his babymama got a new man. my eyes sting and my ears start getting all clogged.
a natural human reaction would be to get yourself out of the water immediately, but i don't. not until my brain gets fuzzy and my sight starts getting blurry.
"ah!" i cough loudly, sitting up quickly, sputtering out the water i had manage to swallow back into the tub.
"what's all that splashing, nyiah?" daddy asks from outside the door. "you good?" he questions when i don't answer quick enough.
"i'm good," i reply, still coughing a lil.
i'm probably not good 'cause even though my body is submerged in water right now, i feel just as dry and empty, and nothing, as i was when i wasn't in the water.
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aniyah didn't say nothing to me when she rode me to school, not until i started getting out the car.
she said, "that hoodie look wrinkled on you, it makes you look a lil fat," i looked up at her when she said that 'cause when she was talkin' i had made a mistake and dropped my school i.d. "what'd you just say?" i asked.
"girl, what are you talkin' about? i didn't say anything." she replied, looking at me like i was stupid. "are you finna walk off or no? i got places to be and-" before she could finish, i slammed the car door and started walking off.
she's so stupid. always got something to say. then just gon' try and play dumb like i'm dumb. irritating, just irritating.
when i walk into first period fallon tries to talk to me but i pull my hoodie over my head and ignore her.
she start talkin' shit about me 'doing too much' but i ignore that, too. she always got something to say when nobody wanna be bothered with her ass.
the rest of my class leading up to forth period go like that. i don't talk to anyone, i don't make any jokes, i don't talk shit about people, and i don't talk shit about the teachers.
