Abby

CHAPTER NINETEEN

After coming home from the movies, seeing the attacks on social media, and stewing amongst her own thoughts, Abby slinked into her mother's room. She wanted to curl up on her mother's lap, talk to her about boys the way teenagers should. Jennie saw her come in out of the corner of her eye. She didn't say anything, wanting Abby to make her own decisions. Abby sat on the edge of the bed. She played with the fraying hem of her old sweatshirt. Jennie would wait her out. But it was painful.

"So... do you and dad ever get bored? Like with life, with each other?" It was never boring with Abby as a daughter.

"Yeah. We have over the years." She admitted.

"So, it doesn't mean it's over, if you get bored. You just have to work at it to fix it." Jennie had a feeling this was about Jace.

"If you really love the other person, yes. You always work at it to fix it." In reality, Jennie wanted to tell her to drop him. But that would just alienate her. And Aaron had said the night had gone well. The problem was never Jace. It was the drugs. Abby laid down next to where her mother sat. "Something going on with Jace?" Her mother asked. She tried not to choke on his name. It was usually said with great contempt. Abby didn't answer. "It's okay to talk about him, Abby."

"I just feel like it's not okay to mention him. Like it will hurt you." Abby admitted.

"I'd rather talk with you. Help you through something." Jennie said.

"I just feel like lately we do the same thing all the time. Like we're in a rut, and this is all there is." Perfectly normal.

"Have you mentioned this to him?" Her mother asked.

"Yeah. Kind of. I made a few comments about wanting to do something different for a change, and he took it offensively. Made it personal." Abby confided.

"Well, if he loves you, it is personal if you feel like it's not enough. But that doesn't mean you're wrong. Relationships fall into ruts. Humans crave new things and excitement. It keeps our brains healthy and our spirit full. So just be clear that you love him, and it's not him you have a problem with. That you want to do new and different things, but still with him." Abby put her hand in the crook of her mother's elbow.

"Thanks, mom." She said softly. She was falling asleep.

"You're welcome, sweetheart." She replied. About ten minutes later, Jason came in to get ready for bed. He glanced at Abby. "She came in and asked for relationship advice. And then she fell asleep. I didn't have the heart to disturb her." Jason sat on the edge of the bed watching his daughter sleep. He ran his fingers through her hair, brushing it from her face.

"I just want her to stay." He admitted.

"We're still the place where she refuels her soul." Jennie said with hope in her voice.

"I'll bring her to bed." He said, gently scooping her up. He hated how thin her frame felt in his arms. But he was grateful to be able to take her to bed. She snuggled into his chest, and he almost dropped her, weak in the knees with emotion. He placed her in her bed and tucked her in. He kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, my beautiful and brave princess." He whispered. She stirred at his voice.

"Dad?" She called out. He stopped and turned back to her. She had never been the type to use the word daddy, even when she was younger. But her tone suggested that's where her heart was right then.

"Yes, Abby?" He replied.

"It's not the same... without you." Her words held a meaning, even if they hadn't quite come out right.

"It's not the same without you." He said. "That's why we want you here."

"My music isn't the same when we don't talk." She admitted. He smiled, relieved he still had a place in her world. "And I know you were still mad at me a lot before all of this... I know we would still fight all the time..." They'd always butted heads. But it was because he pushed her, and she wasn't the kind to be pushed. "But this is just different." She finished. He wasn't quite sure where she was taking this. He walked back over to her bed and sat on the edge.

"I'm not really sure what you're trying to say." He admitted.

"I want my dad back. I'm not the same without my dad." That cleared it up pretty quickly. Jennie was standing outside the doorway, she put her hand to her mouth, keeping her emotions silent. Nothing stirred her heart like her daughter reaching out to her father. Both of them guarded and stubborn.

"And I want my Abby back. I'm not the same without her." Abby knew he was right, but she didn't know what to say. He didn't want, wouldn't accept empty words. He squeezed her hand and left her room for the night, closing the door behind him.

...

Sierra had liked the picture. She was friends with Sean, had always had a crush on him. And she was friends with Aaron. But she had liked a picture with Abby and Jace in it. Aaron had checked in at the movie and tagged the three of them in their pre-movie selfie. He'd captioned it family bonding time. Jace had commented. Abby making the rest of us look good with the heart eyes emoji, a heart, and the kiss face emoji. She smiled at his comment. She knew he wanted her to be with him, but he was being understanding of the time she wanted to spend with her family. One of Aaron's football friends commented. Aaron's definitely carrying this team with a laughing crying face. Another comment. Nah. Abby looks good. Happy. It was her cousin.

"Do you have a second, Abby?" her father asked, coming into her room. She lay on her bed in a flannel and dance shorts scrolling Facebook. She looked over her shoulder.

"Yeah, sure. What's up?" Abby rolled over to make room for him. He sat on the edge. They hadn't said anything about their talk the night before. She knew they'd both just ignore that it had happened. It was oaky. They'd said what they had to say, and now they'd move on.

"I heard Aaron and Jace had some bonding time." She shrugged.

"I guess. I saw them talking at the movies, but neither one would tell me what was said." She admitted.

"I'm sorry that I made you afraid to bring your boyfriend home." She looked away and shrugged. Maybe the words they'd shared the night before hadn't been so pointless.

"It's not a big deal. I feel like that's how it is for most teenage girls." He nodded.

"How are you doing?" He asked. She looked away and shrugged again.

"Yesterday and today were good days." She was trying to be positive.

"Were you on drugs yesterday or today?" He asked. She shook her head. She knew where this was going. "You've seemed... depressed lately." And she had been. She looked away and shrugged for the third time. "I mean, I can handle depressed. I can do that." He said, in a bit of a joking way to ease the conversation. She smiled.

"Life just looks bleak some days. Like what's the point?"

"Is this feeling new? Or have you been self-medicating it all along?"

"New, I guess." They sat in silence for a few minutes, Abby coming to realize that maybe he did care. They'd been so close when Abby was growing up, closer than she'd been with her mom. She missed it. She took a chance. "So, Sean suggested it was because of the drugs. The uppers and downers, mixing them, taking one and then another..." Jason nodded, glad to hear the Sean was trying to be a positive influence.

"And what do you think about that?" She looked him in the eye and sat up. She really wanted to be honest with him. But that hadn't been going well these last few months.

"Sometimes, knowing I'm getting high later is the only thing that gets me out of bed. The bleakness... it makes me feel like there's no purpose..." She admitted, waiting for the backlash. But there wasn't one.

"What were you living for before you met Jace, started using? Because you always seemed happy."

"I don't know. I just did what I had fun doing. Making music, dancing, doing absolutely nothing with my friends, being Aaron's number one fan..." She shrugged. "I wasn't worried about the future or what any of it meant. Each day just came and then it went."

"Why haven't you been playing as much?" He asked. "The piano is collecting dust. I haven't heard an amp turn on in months." She shrugged. He picked up her acoustic and handed it to her. "I want to hear you play." She took it from him and played a few scales to warm up. Then, she slipped into some aptly titled Nirvana. When she was done, he kissed her forehead and left.