Everything Fragile✔

Chapter Twenty-Four - Little Pieces Everywhere

   The moonlight glistens against the surface of the parking lot. So much so that I begin to wonder if they wax out here too. Everything glistens and glows, illuminating like the stars in the sky. That may be an effect from the tears building up in my eyes. I angrily wipe them away and wrap my arms around myself.

   The restaurant door opens behind me. For some reason I'm expecting Mateo, but when I turn around it's Gwen. Her apron is long forgotten. Probably discarded somewhere in the breakroom. Long strands of black hair pool around her face, blowing wildly in the breeze. I watch as she lits a cigarette between her fingers before lifting it to her lips and drawing a breath.

   "Hey old friend." She says, letting the fumes leave her lungs as she speaks.

   "Hi." I mumble.

   "Can I sit?"

   I barely nod before she takes the empty spot next to me. She's wearing a light sweater that she pulls tightly around herself when the wind blows stronger. I didn't even realize how cold I was until she sat down next to me. I tuck my hand into the pockets of my sweatshirt. Still, I shiver.

   "Yuri can't stop talking about you. Every time you're on the news, she'd gloat to the newcomers that you work here. Don't tell her I said this, but I think she's in love with you."

   I chuckle at her words, shaking my head. "No way. Yuri used to hate me. I was always late to work."

   Gwen shrugs. "Still, she really wants you to come back. All the big guys miss you."

   "I miss them too." I mumble into my fist. "But I need more time to heal."

   "No pressure." Gwen inhales. "If I had the chance to rid myself of this job forever, I'd take it. But I guess for you, being here is the first step towards your lifelong recovery journey."

   "Seems like we're in similar boats."

   "Definitely, but let's just both agree that you're already doing better than me." She takes one last drag before shoving the butt of her cigarette into the steps.

   I applaud her and she just rolls her eyes, her smile slowly growing. We fall quiet after that, but Gwen has never been good with silence. It makes her anxious, she once told me when we first became friends. So, she asks me the one question that I'm not ready for.

   "What was it like being locked up in that room with that killer?"

   I don't have to think long to answer. I've had nightmares about that night; paralyzing dreams that scar me from the inside out. I may be able to escape my demons when I'm awake, but on the inside, they slither within me, waiting for me to succumb to haunting memories. Even being here makes me tense as if my body is ready to react at any sudden sign of danger.

   "Horrifying." I say. "It was horrifying."

   Gwen bites down on her lower lip. "I can't stop thinking about the fact that you could have died. I would've never been able to forgive myself if you did. I…" she pauses, trying to find the right words to say. "I shouldn't have left early that day. It should've been me in there instead of you."

   "Firstly, don't blame yourself. Neither of us knew what was going to happen that night, so it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault."

   "Except for the bastard who tried to kill you. I'm glad that he's dead."

   It feels good to hear someone else say out loud what I've been thinking. It makes me feel less guilty about thinking such a wicked thought.

   "Me too." I murmur and turn to look at her. "I'm glad that it was me instead of you."

   "Is it selfish to say that I'm glad for that too?"

   "I don't think so. I mean, I'm not offended if that's what you're asking."

   "I just…I couldn't imagine what I would do if I were put into that situation. I'd probably be…" she lets out a shuddering breath. "…dead."

   I nudge her side. "Don't think like that. If I managed to make it out with a few scratches, then I'm sure that you'd make it too."

   She shakes her head. "You're stronger than me. I'd give up instantly."

   "Well, then good thing you weren't there. I don't know how I'd react if I lost someone else again."

   I don't know everything about Gwen, but I know her enough. She was my work BFF before the shooting. We sought comfort in each other and complained about customers or managers whenever they got on our nerves. She felt like an older sister to me. Even now, sitting against the cold surface of the steps, I still see her as family; as someone I would protect. I wonder how she sees me.

   "Anyways, these are all what if scenarios." I say. "There's no point going over things from our past that we can't change. We're still here. That's all that matters."

   Gwen smiles softly. "You're right."

   I know I am, but for some reason I can't ever seem to take my own advice.

   "Do you want to talk about what happened inside? You guys made quite a scene."

   To think that I almost forgot about the whole catastrophe that my life is turning into.

   "My dad has a fiance. She's pregnant with his baby and I…I don't know. It just doesn't feel right."

   Gwen purses her lips and squints her eyes. "Do you feel…threatened by her?"

   I almost laugh. "No. Why would I feel threatened?"

   "Well, maybe because it feels like she's replacing your mom and the new baby might be replacing you. I mean, that's how I felt when my dad got remarried. I was around your age when it happened, but my mom had been dead for years. I barely remembered her, but it still hurt a lot to see him moving on."

   I open my mouth to speak, but find that I don't have anything to say to that. In a way, she's right. I do feel threatened by her and the parasite growing inside of her, but still. They knew each other for a year. A year. When mom was still alive, slowly growing into her depression because dad kept shoving her closer and closer towards the edge. Now she's gone and he's found his next victim and I feel no remorse for her. Francine Penningham got herself into this and I'm sure she'll find a way to get out of it once she realizes how toxic dad is. Then it'll just be me and him again. Me and the monster. The monster who is sometimes a kind old man who loves me. Though, I don't tell Gwen any of this. We may be close, but there are some things you just don't share. Like the fact that your dad beats you even at such a big age or that you inadvertently killed your mother one stupid, stupid night. I learned my lesson already about sharing secrets.

   "So, what do you recommend I do?"

   She just shrugs. "Be patient and open minded. Eventually you'll learn to love her. And even if you don't, at least you can say that you tried."

   "But I don't want to try." I mumble.

   Gwen frowns, her eyes growing soft at my anger. I feel like a kid having a tantrum, but I can't help it. I can't help these emotions that I feel.

   For the first time since I've known Gwen, she lets the silence drag on. Her arm links around mine, making me warmer by the second. I lean against her shoulder and after a moment I feel the weight of her head on top of mine. I miss being held like this. I miss this comforting silence.

   I miss Mateo.