Red Princess

Extra Chapter 72.2 - To Kaidon

I am unsure when I began writing one for you. Perhaps because I didn't have many people in my life in the last five years, the ones I do have, even if I may not be particularly fond of them, I still want them to remember me. I don't even know what I wish to tell you. It's not like we had any kind of relationship. I thought we were friends but I guess it was much more complicated than that. I have but a few incoherent thoughts that I will try to word out for you.

I know it was tough. I have the same face as her. I might even share some qualities with her. I can't blame you if it's hard for you even to look my way. I am glad at least you made an effort, even if it didn't turn out how we wanted it to.

Maybe it was me to blame all along. I was the one who made it difficult for us to become friends because somewhere deep in my heart, I wanted us to be much more than that. I won't claim I know what it's like to lose someone because I don't, but the first time I saw you, I saw a broken soul. I saw something inside of you that screamed for help, and I couldn't help listening.

I am not saying you needed my help or you were weak. I probably wasn't even good support. But regardless, I wanted to be there for you, not out of pity. You have always been much stronger than me. But because I wanted to feel needed in some way. For some time, I felt having the same face was a curse, but over the last few weeks, it felt like a blessing if it meant you looked at me more often.

Because I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to seek me. I wanted to occupy at least a small space in your mind because I wanted to be special to you.

I am unaware where these feelings arose from, but before I knew it, they had taken this complicated form and were clutching at my heart. I am not even sure if you are going to read all this. Perhaps I wasn't as important to you, but a tiny piece of my heart is hoping I was.

When I was living, my pride wouldn't have allowed me to say it, but now that I would never get to see you again, I want to be a little selfish, and I don't want to leave with regrets. I don't want to comfort you because I know you wouldn't care. It wouldn't matter to you. But just heed my final request. Please do not stop reading. Let a dying soul rest in peace and hear her last words.

I never loved anyone in the last five years. I never felt anything towards anyone. My heart felt devoid of that emotion, but the moment I laid my eyes on you, I learned about a foreign feeling I had never thought I would get to experience. The more you pushed me away, the closer I wanted to get. I looked at you like I had never looked at another man before. It made me want to touch you, hug you, kiss you and now that I am gone, I don't have any inhibitions in admitting all that. It's one of the perks of being dead, isn't it? You can be as honest as you want to be.

I didn't expect you to love me back. I don't even know if I loved you. I didn't even care you saw me as her as long as I had you. I was satisfied with the tiny crumbs of you that I got. Does this make me a pitiful person? Perhaps I was. When it came to you, I didn't have an ounce of self-respect. I wanted you in whatever form I could get.

What would it feel like anyway to love someone? I have always felt that love is a complicated emotion. It takes years to cultivate. But my beliefs shattered to pieces when I met you. I was drawn to you right from day one, but I felt these powerful feelings grip me over time. Perhaps it started that night you saved me when I tried to drown myself in the water. I had always had a blank mind until then. It was the first time someone appeared before my eyes. You reached your hand out to me, and you pulled me out of the depths, and it made me realise how much I wanted to stay in those arms. How much I wanted to see you, watch you replace the void in my heart. It was the first time I truly wanted to live.

Maybe this is my punishment for forgetting my life before. Perhaps I hurt someone in the worst way possible, and this is karma paying me back. Perhaps I was a horrible person who broke someone's heart.

I wish we could have had something more. I wish you had held me in your embrace just a while longer. I hope when I am dying, it is in your arms so I can at least see you one last time. I don't know if you would remember me, if you would miss me, if you would cry for me, but they say when you love someone, all that doesn't matter, does it?

Love makes you want to die for the other person. Did I die saving you? I don't know if my feelings are strong enough, but by the time you read this, we will probably know the answer.

If there's anything good I ever did, I will trade that in for a tiny wish, for a hope that I'll get a happy future with you in my next life. I am dying before my time is up; I get to be a little selfish, don't I? Would you be willing to become a part of that other life? I will never get to hear the answer to it, but when I am dying, I will be hoping that your answer is yes.

Yours always (even if you didn't want me to)

Ariel