Steel My Soul ✓

13 | Speechless

C H A N C E Y

"What do you mean, 'sick'?"

The words that fell from my lips didn't sound real. I sounded different. My voice was low and unbelieving.

"Of feeling like this," Her sentence sounded hesitant.

I didn't care that it sounded like she meant to say something else. I was releasing a slow, calculated, calm breath. My heart had leapt up to my throat, and I was speechless again as I turned around to face Indigo. I was painfully relieved she didn't say anything else. I couldn't bear the thought of her being sick.

"I hate it all because I can't even hate you."

She was glancing at the ground, speaking in a tone so quiet, I knew she'd been waiting to get these out for a long, long time. I was relieved of that, too. I needed her to speak her mind, no matter if she appeared to be in the midst of a panic attack.

"I don't want you to hate me. I never wanted you to hate me," I told her, stepping closer to her because I could never stay far away.

Indigo exhaled sharply and sniffed. Had she not glanced up at me and shown me her dry eyes, I would've thought she was crying. I was glad she wasn't.

"I wish I did," She nodded to herself, keeping her eyes locked on mine intently. I didn't feel any hurt from those words because she wasn't done speaking. "It would've made this so much easier. Every time I look at you, I don't think I even want to murder you. Maybe deep down, all this time, I just wanted to hug you."

My eyes began to burn as emotion overtook me. I was so relieved she was speaking the truth to me, I was about to drop to my knees and sob my heart out.

"I hate admitting that because you hurt me, and you still don't even know how. You can't remember, and I can't forget," Indigo's voice hardened, and I went still.

I can't remember what? What had I done to hurt her so badly? I get that I missed her father's funeral and that she saw Kennedy kiss me, but she wasn't telling me something else, and it was unnerving. 

"I memorised the words in my head. I know them by heart," She raised her voice slightly louder than it was a few seconds ago and moved closer to me. "And I haven't gotten the courage to ever ask if you meant them, and I won't ask. I'll just let you tell me. I'll just let you tell me the truth, but if you can't-"

Indigo closed her eyes and lowered her head, stopping any impulsive emotions from interrupting the moment of truth.

"I never understood what made you say those words. I was always there for you. When things with your family got out of hand, I was there. No matter what. I found my way back to you even when my mother was worried I'd somehow get myself involved, even when my dad told me to be careful because your dad was a stubborn prick."

Then she lifted a finger between us, sighed and said, "but I still found a way to you because I- I cared for you. A lot. You mattered so much to me, I just had to be there. It wasn't a choice for me."

And that was when I furrowed my eyebrows, felt my heart pump boiling blood into my veins and scoffed. She tilted her head to the side and stared at me questioningly, not expecting this reaction from me.

"You think it was a choice for me, then? Is that it?" I asked, keeping my voice dangerously low. "Every time I tried, you pushed me away, Indigo. I explained what happened. Do you want me to repeat it?"