Steel My Soul ✓

14 | Hope

I N D I G O 

The following week, I stood at my locker and blankly stared at the folded note that greeted me as I stacked my books up neatly behind it. This note was white, and when I opened it, the ink was purple. The writing was always in different colours, and it intrigued me that whoever was writing to me had gone through such efforts.

"We should get the school to check the security cameras," Adara suggested from beside me as she peeked over my shoulders to read the note.

"Yeah, and when we do find them, I'll use my fist for creative purposes," Dawn added confidently.

I sighed, packed the right books, and held tighter to the note as I closed my locker.

'I'm on cloud 9 today. I hope you are, too.'

"This person is seriously mentally disturbed," Adara whispered after reading the note I tried to hide.

"This person is Chancey DeLoughrey," Dawn said as if she was so sure of it.

I shrugged, "I think these are getting to my head. I don't mind them anymore."

Dawn laughed maliciously while Adara stared at me as if I was mentally disturbed. I was.

"And it's not Chancey. He told me."

"You believed him?" Dawn took the note from my hand and inspected it.

It must've been for a fleeting moment, but when she had the paper away from my grasp, I became extra aware of its presence - like I wanted to guard it with my life. I'd been collecting them all, save for a few I had thrown away out of anger the first few times I received them.

"The next time I steal his homework, I'm going to investigate his handwriting," Dawn murmured to herself.

I raised my eyebrows at her, but she completely ignored it as she pulled her phone out to capture an image of the note.

"Okay, but why must you go through that much effort when school cameras exist?" Adara pressed from behind us while we began walking to our next classes.

My last period of the day was Geography, but none of us was in the same class. We just liked walking each other to our rooms, even when Serenity didn't accompany us. The times that she did, we stopped by the vending machine to watch her purchase a white chocolate bar, and when she wasn't with us, she was with Gabriel, her boyfriend, who she didn't know was her boyfriend.

"That's too much effort," Dawn scoffed and handed me the paper. I quickly shoved it into the pocket of my black hoodie.

I wasn't one to wear hoodies often, but lately, I was colder than usual. Dawn used to make fun of me for layering myself in so many clothes, and I didn't blame her. It was laughable. But she didn't know of my illness, and I wasn't planning to tell her. Having this illness also made my anxiety worsen. When I was anxious, I was cold, and now I was always anxious.

"Okay, that's it," Adara whined quietly from my side. "I know it's none of our business, and that you might not trust us with this information-"

"I do," I interrupted her, already knowing where this was going. "I trust you, girls, a lot."

It shouldn't have made me emotional, especially while I was walking in the school halls, but knowing I finally had friends I cared about and trusted with my whole heart created a deep sense of peace to dwell in my conscious. I had people who would remember me when I was gone. I had created memories with people who enjoyed being around me.

"Well, that's relieving," Dawn chuckled from my other side.

"So, did you beat Chancey up, or what?" Adara continued, now with a bit more confidence in her voice.

"I didn't see a purple eye on his face this morning," Dawn side-eyed me, her tone mirroring her disappointment.

I elbowed her side and returned my attention to the students walking to their classes in front of us before deciding it was okay to tell them what happened.

"First of all, I'd like to confess that I was slightly drunk a few nights ago, so my actions were confusing, and when I see him in class today, I'm going to hide my face and try not to cry," I rushed out, feeling Adara's shock as she tightened her arm around mine and snapped her head to face me.

"Your kidding!" She whisper-yelled.

"I thought I smelled alcohol around you," Dawn snickered. "Shit. You must've said too many things without meaning to, didn't you?"

"Yee, allah sa3dik!" [God help you.]

"Yeah, agreed," Dawn agreed with what Adara said in Arabic, and I nodded dumbly, not understanding a word.

By the time I reached my classroom, I had only told them that we were a few steps closer to being friends again. That was the simplest answer by far, and less time-consuming. I'd tell them my feelings once we weren't at school, but for now, I had to sort them out for myself.

And I did the moment I walked into the full classroom. Our eyes locked, and it unhatched years of hidden feelings from deep within my chest.

Chancey knew. The arrogant son of a bitch knew his effect on me as he grinned widely at me from the back of the classroom. His face was bright and full of hope. I'd be so cruel to take that away from him - from myself.

He tilted his head to the side and nodded to the empty seat beside him. I caught the way he poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue to stop himself from smiling so much as I made my way toward him. It was like he was trying to lower his hopes and excitement.

We'd hurt each other so much. I didn't want that anymore. I wanted us to heal, together or not. I needed us to both be okay.

letter 13

You're slowly healing my heart, and you don't even know.

letter 14

Oh, right. You have the faintest dimple on your left cheek when you smile big. I can't believe I didn't notice before, but now that you let me see you up close, I won't miss the chance to take it all in again.

You've made me crazy, haven't you?

I can't even keep my hopes down because the moment you look at me, all rationality shoots up into the clouds.