misery //bobs burgers

let me be

                                 genes pov
                                 thursday

i've been awake all night and its now 3am. dad said we had to work today so i already know i'm gonna be a wreck. i can't stop thinking about WHY we went. at the beginning of summer we had gone to see this movie and there was this character in it that people kept changing his identity, like sometimes he was called "they" or "she" and mom said that the character was genderfluid. can anyone be that? when tina and louise call me their "sister" does that make me genderfluid. i never really felt BAD when they called me a girl does that mean i could be a girl? like sometimes i've been perceived as a girl by my sisters and it was nice honestly. but they were always joking so can it still be real? it's so confusing and that movie we saw opened my eyes. it's all i've been thinking about all summer and i'd love for it to be over. should i tell someone? would that help? but if i change will they hate me for it? when we went on that adventure i had nothing to be confused about or to worry about but now it's only made things worse. like did i really want to do that with her or did i need an escape? i just felt trapped in my mind. and now it's 4AM. i just want to sleep why i am being stopped from getting what i want? or maybe i'm in denial? i think i should tell tina but clearly not at 4AM. leaving me to stare at my ceiling until it's time for breakfast. when i go out to the table dad says "woah gene are you ok? did you sleep at all last night?" i can't tell him what i was doing last night so i told a half truth "only some it's fine though." i feel slow and by that i mean more than usual. "look kids if you need a break today don't be afraid to take it. we need all the help we can get but please don't push yourself over the edge." dad spoke in general. me and tina just hummed a reply. luckily for us the restaurant was slow and no breaks were needed however it was almost closing time and i knew if i didn't ask tina now i wouldn't get a chance too until tomorrow. "since it's almost closing can me and tina go upstairs now?" i asked mom. "yea sure hon." she said. "you wanna watch tv, T?" i asked. "no i think i'm just gonna go to my room." she told me. "no don't. i wanted to talk to you about something.." "oh ok then." we sat down on the couch and the silence was so awkward. "so you remember when we went to see that movie when summer started?" i started. "yea?" "and you remember how one of the main plot points was that one character being gender fluid?" "yes." "ok, and you know how sometimes you and louise would call me one of your sisters? and that i was never really bothered by it?" "yes." "well i don't know, i've been thinking about that basically ever since and does that make me genderfluid? i mean i sort of like 'being one of the girls' thing. it almost feels natural i guess you could say? i spent all last night thinking about and i'm still confused. i guess i just thought i should ask what you think or even what others would think if it's true." "gene i'm sorry you've had to deal with this alone all summer, but you're right i mean youve always been comfortable as a girl and a guy, but thats not what genderfluid is completely. i mean you might be a guy for a few weeks and then non binary for another few weeks there's so much more than just a girl and a guy. questioning your identity CAN be confusing but i promise if you wanna give different pronouns a go that no one here will judge you." "thanks T... are you doing ok? i mean probably not after all this, i don't know i thought i should ask." "honestly gene no, there's nothing we can do about it and i feel like it's just worse that way. you have to know it's not the same without her here. and when she comes home? it still won't be the same, it never will. i mean we've always done stupid crap so how come something only happened now?" "i know, i'm sorry. just for the whole situation, it could have had a thousand different outcomes and honestly if i just waited instead of leaving like she said maybe it would have been different. and i'm sorry we never told you about it i wanted to but she told me i couldn't. i mean the only reason she brought the phone was because i suggested it." "gene what happened is no one's fault. i mean it definitely feels like it is and it might for awhile but it's just something that comes with the acceptance process of this kind of thing." "yea... you wanna watch a movie now or are you still gonna go to your room?" "we can watch something see what's on." while deciding on something to watch mom and dad came up stairs after closing. dad made us some food to while me and tina watched tv. i wasn't really paying attention though. "should i tell mom and dad? or is it too early. i think the only way to know is the thing tina said about pronouns but that means i need to tell mom and dad. but why would i do that when the more important matter is louise being in the hospital?" i don't really have time to finish thinking because as soon as everyone's done eating we go to the hospital. it's only 6:30 so we might get to stay with her for 3 hours atleast. i wish we could talk to her i can't help but feel maybe she's lonely. when we get there nothing had changed, she still looked the same. these next few weeks are going to be the hardest we've ever lived through.