Tainted |✔️|

chapter 18 - how this works

Alex POV

I grabbed Kat and Rei. Elijah thought it best to keep himself and the kids in a place they are familiar with. So we all moved back over to Zach's apartment. Elijah felt uncomfortable sleeping with Rei because they personally aren't that close, though they would protect each other at any cost. Elijah let Rei have the bedroom so Elijah and I took the couch. He slept on the one by the window and I on the one closest to the kitchen. The couch only fit so much room.

I knew exactly how this works. Though I have never had this happen to me I have watched many of my pack members go through this. However, most were not this bad. Most of my pack came back to their minds within a few days or weeks. They never stayed away too long, but Zach is different. His situation wasn't because he blamed himself for someone he cared for getting a little hurt.

His situation was because he blamed himself for everything wrong in his life in Kat and Rei's life and very possibly even mine. He's going to put himself at fault for absolutely everything bad that has ever happened to him or the people around him, the worst part is there is no way for me to talk to him and tell him that none of it was his fault. He has to get out of this on his own but I don't even know if he will be able to. Zach is very strong but he's tearing himself down and it's hard to build yourself back up when you're the one hurting yourself.

Most people slip into this state of mind by accident. It's part of why they come back so fast, that and what they did was a small short moment that they blame themselves for. Whereas Zach knows what he's doing he slipped into this state on purpose and it's not a small moment he's blaming himself for it's his whole life and everyone around him.

Elijah took a seat on the couch with me sitting next to him. Kat and Rei were on the couch to our right. Their couch was facing away from the window but looked directly into the kitchen.

"So Elijah? Exactly how does this whole thing work?" Kat asked as I laid his head down in her lap and his body sprawled out over the couch.

Elijah's POV

"Well, it's complicated. How do you feel when you're all alone with your wolf Jessie inside your mind with no one to disrupt?" I asked as I leaned back against Alex's side and faced our siblings. My tail was safely wrapped around my right thigh as my feet rested on the arm of the couch.

"I don't really know how to describe it. When talking to Jes in our own head it's like we are in the forest. It's calm most of the time, sometimes it is not, but I can always feel Jes move around my head like she's in the forest. I can see the leaves and trees. The grass, ponds, and rocks. That's what it's like for me." Kat answered as best she could.

"Good that's what most of us see. It's a place we feel very comfortable in as well as a place our wolves feel comfortable in. Do you know What Zach see's?" I asked as a wave of sadness passed over me. Kat and Rei both shook their heads. "If you remember our old home with our parents a few miles away from there, is a beautiful waterfall that was mine and Zach's favorite place to escape to when things were bad at home. However, as peaceful as it was it's still near that house. Zach often feels like he did something wrong or something he could have changed but didn't and he hates himself for it so he doesn't stay by the waterfall.

When you're in wolf form and Jessie has control she sees that same thing. She sees you where you're most comfortable which is usually the same place you see Jessie in. Most people feel comfortable in the same place their wolves feel comfortable. That's not the case with me and Zach. Zach sees me at the waterfall. I only sometimes on very rare and happy times see Zach at the waterfall, I usually see him at that house. He feels bad so he doesn't let himself be comfortable, not even in his own mind, he doesn't think it's something he deserves so he refuses it." I said.

"Can you talk to Zachy?" Rei asked as he shifted a bit on the couch.

"Sadly no. Most people can talk to their wolves without a problem and the wolves in return can talk to the human easily. However, because I have control Zach can move around inside what our mind provides. He can move about the house he can move around the forest as long as it's near where we are comfortable we can move around freely. but, with that, that means you can also hide. For your wolf and human to contact each other you have to both be in the present which isn't hard to do because both can see what happens around them when the other has control. But if you decide you don't want to talk you can simply make yourself invisible and basically disappear, your other half won't be able to find you. That's what Zach has done.

Now generally he would be able to hear this conversation and would probably come out of hiding but he's in his past. So not only can I not find him in my mind I can't talk to him and he can't hear us. Though I can feel him in our head and I can tell what he's feeling I just can't help him in any way. He will continue to be in the past, reliving and remembering it, until he decides he's punished himself enough. With how much I see Zach at that house when I have control I don't think you'll be getting him back anytime soon." I said bluntly as tears started to fall from Kat and Rei's eyes.

I felt a wave of panic wash over me and I knew it was Zach. I stood from the couch and waited to feel the mild effect of the blow. Alex just stared at me as if waiting for me to say something. "What are you doing?" Rei asked as he sat up.

"Part of me being in control is that even though I can't find Zach I can feel him. I can feel his emotions as well as his physical and mental pain. rather you get hurt in human form or wolf form part of your other half feels that pain and just because Zach is hiding in his past doesn't mean I don't feel it. His being in his past makes it so I don't feel much of him. If he were to jump off a cliff I would feel Zach fall and hit the ground but all I would actually feel is a very dull throb of what's actually hurting for him." I said as they all waited for an explanation as to why I was standing and not going anywhere. "I felt a wave of panic come through me and I know it was Zach so I'm waiting for the blow to be done to him," I said as Alex stood next to me in case I fell from the blow.

A few minutes passed and Alex was easing up on the worry for me just as I felt like my head was pounding. It was a duller version of when someone breaks a bottle over your head. Alex noticed my sudden discomfort as he asked what was happening.

"I'm guessing his 'dad' just broke a bottle over his head and he'--'' I didn't get to finish as I lurched forward when a pain rose up my back, shoulders, and head. Alex caught me because I kept asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Once it ended, I felt Zach become weak and relaxed like he passed out from the pain. I stood like nothing happened and looked at the three concerned faces.

"Calm down I'm fine and Zach survived it all once so he'll be okay," I said and everyone calmed down a bit.

"So what happened?" Kat asked as she sat back down and my tail moved to curl around my left thigh.

"Not much. After being hit over the head with what I'm guessing was a glass bottle his dad proceeded to hit him over the head, back, and shoulders, with what felt like a metal chair until Zach passed out. probably from the kitchen. The pain does fit one of his memories from when he was little. maybe about five or six years old." The three faces all teared up and looked at me in shock. "What? Did I say something wrong?"