Redamancy | Elena Gilbert

Chapter 37

She thought of it as her last day.

Whether it would be her last day alive or her last day as a version of herself with humanity, she didn't know. But she prepared for both.

She wrote a letter to her aunt, in case Klaus agreed to kill her. She'd leave for her all the money she'd earned through work, to be used for whatever charity she felt needed it the most.

And, in the event he decided not to kill her, she'd started to pack her things. She still cared about people other than herself for the moment, and she knew that she was going to let herself be more reckless than ever in her life, which meant she couldn't stay in the same house as her aunt, putting her in danger. Even if she died instead of turning off her humanity, it would be easier for her aunt to clean the room if everything was put away before she went inside.

She cried for a long while as she did it. The aching in her abdomen had yet to subside. She had no idea that it was possible to cry so much. For so many tears to flow out of her body. She decided to prepare the grave markers for the hybrids while she was at it, before it was too late. That released more tears and made the knot worse.

The idea of not caring felt nice. She could do whatever she wanted solely because she wanted to, not because it was the right thing, and not because someone asked it of her. She wouldn't have to be volunteering and working anymore unless she was bored and it came to mind. She wouldn't be bossed around by anyone and she wouldn't have to think about morality all the time.

Maybe it would be nice to knock off evil things from her bucket list. Maybe there was no point in being good anymore. The good people, the heroes, they always seemed to be the ones who lost the most. If she was a villain, she could do all sorts of enjoyable things and be left with nothing to lose, but everything to gain depending on what path she took.

Elena called her about an hour before sunrise. "Rosalind," she said, sounding tired on the other line. "I completely fell asleep last night, we had it rough with Jeremy, but we managed to help him. Caroline just called to tell me what happened."

"Makes complete sense that Caroline was the one to tell," said Rosalind tightly as she folded more clothes into a suitcase. "She helped Tyler, she kept this from me. The one fucking time she could keep a secret, and it led to my entire pack being murdered."

"I am so sorry, Rosalind. She thought she was helping. She and Stefan, they didn't know... they would never have done anything if they knew what Hayley was planning."

"Yeah, well, they still had plans to help bury Klaus in concrete while inside Tyler's body. I don't think anybody understands that he's been helping me a lot and I would have felt like crap. But you know what, I'm starting to get used to the fact that nobody cares about my feelings."

"Rosalind, don't say that!" said Elena. "We care about how you feel, we do. I'm on my way back to Mystic Falls, okay? We can have milkshakes and—"

"Should probably just get that for yourself," said Rosalind. "No sense in coming by. You won't get here before sunrise."

There was a pause. "And what's happening at sunrise?"

"Everything changes. Either Klaus will kill me and free me of my pain, or I will turn off my humanity."

"Rosalind, no! That can't be your solution."

"I am just sick of losing people. I want out."

"You say that now because it's so fresh, the pain is recent, and it hurts you so bad, but it gets better, I swear—"

"Everyone says that but it always gets worse. We always lose more people and I am just done feeling pain. I'm done letting people in, letting myself care about them, just for them to die."