Drowning Emotions (Isla Series #5)

32

"I'm drunk... but not that drunk to say things I don't mean."

I added those words, not wanting him to doubt my feelings for him all over again. It was something I couldn't afford.

"All the explanations I've given you were full of truth. I know you doubted it, also my love. I have accepted it, and I swear... Gusto kong bumawi. Gusto kong matutong maging mabuti para sa 'yo. Every time I think of you being gone and slipping away from me so easily, every time I think of us not being together... I simply don't see myself living a happy life."

From the beginning of my time, happiness was my priority. It was a simple word, that I never thought a person named Beaumont would be the definition of it... My Beau.

"If you don't need me to save you, well, I need you... I don't want to drown in my emotions, and I can't save myself on my own... I can't swim alone... I choose you to swim with me... I understand now what you meant when you said you didn't need saving, but you need me by your side while you save yourself... I feel it now..."

I constantly restrain myself from feeling. I was just focused on one emotion. Happiness. I was not fully open to the strong ones... Anger, confusion, distress, which were just a phase of my wild, messy tides. I didn't swim back up strongly enough, allowing the tides to grab me, lure me in, and jumble me until I... drowned.

But tonight, admitting all of my feelings for him has only made me realize that I should've faced it bravely. I should've let myself feel fully. Accept. That the tides are not always calm, and that the wild ones will sometimes rule.

"This time... I will stay. I want to live the life we planned together. I want to watch the sunrise and share a cup of coffee with you only... I want to spend this lifetime with you. You're the only one for me. I will not give my love up... I will not give it all up," I said with full assurance.

My heart always aches in regret as I remembered how much I begged him before to give us up... and how I told him I'm giving it all up... I'm giving up on us, on him.

But I'm different now. Braver.

"I will never not love you, Marco." I hugged him tighter. I can feel his heart beat in double rhythm since my head remained on his chest.

My heart hoped. Hoped for a better tomorrow for us. That maybe this time, it will be different. This time will be our beginning... not our end.

Marco was as stiff as a tree, so I decided to glance up at him. He did nothing but blink. I gently tapped his cheek to bring him back to reality... Did I overwhelm him?

"Love?" I called.

"Tangina," marahang mura niya at tumawa.

"Are you okay, babe?"

"Hindi pa nagsi-sink in sa akin ang sinabi mo, tinatawag mo na ako diyan ng kung ano-ano. Teka lang... Mahina ang puso ko, Zy..." Bumitaw siya at hinilot ang dibdib niya, masama ang tingin sa 'kin.

I stared at him for a moment before I bursted out laughing, my head falling back and almost losing my balance. Right! I'm full of alcohol!

Naupo ako sa stool habang pinagmamasdan siya. Kumuha siya ng tubig. Akala ko ibibigay niya sa akin para ma-sober up ako pero siya ang uminom sa baso, pinapakalma ang sarili.

"Ako water," hiling ko.

Natigilan siya sa pag-inom. "Sa 'yo dapat 'to, eh," natatawang amin niya bago sinalinan ulit iyong baso at inabot sa 'kin.

I hid my smile through pursing my lips. His ears were red in color. Nagpunas siya ng pawis gamit ang dulo ng sleeves niya. Pagkatapos, kumamot siya sa pisngi niya habang iniiwasan ang mga mata ko. Hindi siya mapakali.