Drowning Emotions (Isla Series #5)

28

"I'm sorry... I know I have hurt you more than your words have hurt me."

Ang mga mata ko ay nakapako sa ilaw ng kabilang building. Siya nakatitig sa ceiling. We can't even look at each other. My eyes were hurting as if salt was poured on them.

"Pasensya rin kasi hindi ko na gustong makipagbalikan sa 'yo." Sa gilid ng mata ko, nakita ko si Marco na isinandal ang ulo sa backrest at tinabon ang mga kamay sa mukha niya.

"I didn't say that I want to get back together." I didn't know why I sounded firm. Maybe, I wanted to save my pride. Or maybe, somewhere along the line... that was the truth and I only want him to forgive me... Maybe.

"Oo nga naman." Mapakla siyang tumawa. "Pero ako, ayaw ko dahil takot na akong mahalin ka. Kapag masaya ka lang nandiyan, eh. Pero kapag nagagalit ka, kapag sumablay, kapag napagod, magkamali nang maliit... umaalis ka... Madali para sa 'yo na talikuran ang relasyon natin. Madali para sa 'yo ang talikuran ako."

"I'm sorry, Marco..." I felt weak that I needed to tighten my grip on my wine glass.

"Kailangan ko pa ng oras para mapatawad ka at pagkatiwalaan ka ulit, Zy." He was almost breathless.

I allowed myself to feel once again. I accepted the pain flourishing inside my chest. That's all I could do. Accept.

"Tama na sa pagsubok sa kakasalba sa iba. Unahin mo ang sarili mo. Your own emotions are drowning you... And you're allowing yourself to get drowned in it." Huminga siya nang malalim. "You have to save yourself... Kailangan mo ang sarili mo. Kailangan ka ng anak natin... Kailangan din kita."

"I am not... trying to save anybody," I told him in a small voice before sipping on my wine, hoping to gain courage to speak better.

"You are. You always think that by running away you will be able to save them from hurting more but let me tell you this, it doesn't work that way," he seriously said. Hinarap ko siya at nakita ko ang himlay ng mga mata niya. "Save yourself from drowning, please."

Somewhere along the line... I felt like he was right.

My lips began to quiver, feeling my stomach turn cold. A sudden rage of all my emotions felt overwhelming to handle. It was slowly sinking in that between the both of us... I was the one needed to be saved. I was the one... who needed him... more than he needed me.

If only I realized earlier that all this time that... maybe, I never lost my love for him... I was just drowning in my own emotions... then we would've been together up until now.

"Are you okay, amore?" A touch on my shoulder made me stop from walking. I realized I was already home and in front of Dad who looked so concerned.

I wanted to lie and say I was fine. But being called a liar had been eating at me, so I nodded slowly while biting my lip to keep my sobs at bay. They eventually got out of my mouth and I fell to the floor. I'm not certain why I was crying.

"Shh. I'm here. Tell me what's wrong. Come on. Pour your heart out to Dad, Lali..." Inalo niya ako.

"Ang bigat na..." That was all I could say. I sobbed repeatedly on the floor as my father wrapped his arms around me. Each sob, my chest feels heavier.

Matagal akong tumahan. Dad led me to the sofa on the balcony. I closed my eyes after drinking some water and let the wind dry my tears. Pinapakiramdaman ko ang sarili. Dad was just silent beside me, waiting for me to open up.

"Dad... did you love Mom?" I asked, my eyes still shut.

"I do," he answered in present tense.

"Is it even love when you made her cheat on her husband with you? Even though you knew it was wrong to lure her... you still did?" It was a genuine question.