Zoning out at Work Vibes

Bright Places, Dark heads

I should know myself better than this by now.

I should know what to avoid.

Which black holes and pitfalls my mind will get stuck in.

I have been absent from work for a week and three days now.

During this time, I have been sick twice, spent 13 hours in the hospital emergency room, stayed awake for 32 hours, and been responsible for a litter of kittens, two puppies, and a malnourished lizard with special recovery needs.

This all is rounded off by losing wifi, phone signal, and ultimately, my phone. On the first day back home, one tire on my new car, which was in good condition, tore itself apart in the highway heat.

Still, I am told my coworkers miss me, and I cannot make myself believe it. 

After the dark week I had, I decided to read a book. Of course, I had to pick up the darkest, most poetic book I own.

It is called All the Bright Places. When being so long free of the cage of my mind, the darkness seems more impenetrable than before.

I have begun feeling worthless again. A fog that leaves me shivering and drenched. Like the book's main character, I have also had a fascination with water. But more than that, I have loved lightning and rain and thunder.

After I stopped planning my own death, I was not free from my dark thoughts. I wished for accidents and freak natural occurrences. A car crash that could be in no way my fault, struck by lightning, accidentally drowned in shallow water, a brain aneurism, a worse than usual asthma attack, and so many more examples of bad timing and poor luck.

This place bleeds me dry. It makes me beg for the return of my own mind. I can no longer function as I have been. 

However, there are bright moments. In the dark sea of my mind, there is a star-filled sky.

Each point of light comes from the people who made me who I am.

Jasmin, who taught me a new way to eat noodles,

Caitlyn, who taught me how to read the room,

Desiree, who gave me back my conscience,

Josie showed me the importance of talking about anger,

Eren has changed me for the better in more ways than I can count.

She explains that I am not a burden,

She taught me, through example, how to be beautiful in my own way.

I will never forget what has been done for me. These are the bright places,

and I can see them. Even through the darkness inside of my head