Zoning out at Work Vibes

Easily Abandoned

I have never owned a pair of running shoes,

Or golf clubs,

Or a tennis racket.

But, if I ever do own a pair of running shoes,

I might treat them like my heart.

I would leave them by the door, unused.

They would fill with dust, and though I would never use them,

They would still look old and ragged

frayed cords on the tennis racket from lousy weather that squeezes through the cracks in the foundation

The golf clubs would fall,

get knocked over and trampled until they are covered in dents and scratches

but, these items are well acquainted with misuse and laying dormant.

how often does a person play golf or tennis?

Once a week at most?

But running shoes are different.

Just as the heart is not like the knees and elbows.

This is special. 

To take this activity seriously,

Is to exercise, and practice, and try a little bit harder every. single. day.

These running shoes have holes, but I've never tried them on.

I do not even know if they fit. 

This heart does not beat for me.

I do not know if it ever has.

It beats on command,

but not by MY command.

I say 'beat' and it is still

my mother says 'beat' and it jumps into my throat.

like it is trying to escape my body through force.

it is a lot like my mind and body that way.

I say 'do what you want'

I say 'follow your dreams'

and my mind? It is still.

my body? It is still.

Career Placement tests say 'you should do the arts"

I say 'let's do the arts'

It's important to note that I did not tell my body to do art.

I just agreed

and for once, my body did something I wanted.

It was bad in the beginning but got better with time.

and my mom said 'Focus on school.'

and school said 'make a plan' 'Pick a REAL career.'

and my aunt said 'you should do this'

So I did 'this'

and my instructor said 'did you want to do that?'

and I felt like she was telling me.

so I did that

and I accidentally found something I enjoyed,

but was terrified to do

I'm supposed to take this seriously.

Running shoes are an everyday necessity.

Love is an everyday necessity.

I have never tried on these running shoes

I just own them

I have never loved on purpose

I just let it find me

and I let it leave

I let it leave.

Love says "You never put in any effort."

I say "But I am always here when you need me."

Love goes silent.

I am used to the quiet

Love doesn't even have bags to pack.

Love just heads to the open door.

I could reach out first

but I never do.

I could grab loves hand and beg love to stay

and love might listen.

If I only reached out.

but there is a reason I left the door open

and love leaves

love does not look back.

but I will never delete Love's contact information.

And if Love texted first I would answer.

I am a bit too loyal.

Easily abandoned

and I do not chase

but I will run towards you when called.

The memory of Love is good enough

Until you come back.