Separate ways lead to the same place

Chapter 18

Grief (noun)
Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death.

A feeling of emptyness and sadness. It has been around for 2 weeks now. The B&B is closed. The house filled with the furniture that my parents picked out when they moved here. I didn't exist yet. This house was empty, until it turned into a home. A buiding filled with love, which was later accompanied by grief and sadness. The love always made it through somehow. I remember running around in the garden, my mom chasing me. We would lie down in the grass and look at the clouds that pass. When I couldn't sleep at night, we would lie down in the grass to look at the stars. My mom would always tell me dad was one of those stars, watching over us ans protecting us. I always held onto that idea. I just like the thought. I open the cupboard in front of me to take 2 mugs. I put them on the counter in front of the kettle and take 2 teabags. I also put 2 sugars and a teaspoon in each mug. I patiently wait until the kettle is done before pouring the water into the mugs, stirring the tea carefully to dissolve the sugar without spilling the tea. Careful not to spill, I carry the mugs to the terrace, where Zoe is sitting. She has one foot one the seat and holds the leg with her arms, that are wrapped around it. Her cheek is pressed against her knee and she's staring into nothing. ''Here,'' I say, putting the tea on the table next to her. She snaps out of her thoughts and looks at me, putting on a small smile before whispering:''Thanks.'' I sit down after putting my own mug on the table too and sigh, looking around the garden. Mom used to keep it neat, but the last time she ckeaned it up a bit was a month a go. It's a little messy now. I look at Zoe. She isn't okay. I'm not okay either. I haven't slept, I don't really wash myself or brush my teeth. We're all having a really hard time. Zoe is back to staring in the distance, this time with the mug in her hands instead of her arms being wrapped around her leg.  I notice the scar on her hand below her thumb. It has the shape of a one-line smile. I smile at the memory of how it got there. We were around the age of 8 I think and we were in the woods not far from home. We were running and playing around, when Zoe suddenly fell. She tried to grab a branch just above her head when the branch cut her. It was a nasty wound. I didn't know the scar was still so noticeable. I remember we drew eyes above it so it looked like a smiley. Those days were so fun! We would always play together and have so much fun. I enjoyed every single second. I feel kind of guilty for letting Zoe come here, because she became attached to mom again and now she's sad too.

~Zoe's point of view~

I'm sipping my tea every once in a while and I'm just staring. My mind is empty and I just feel so sad all the time. It is really tiring. I also haven't really talked to Ethan, so I don't know how he feels. I feel kind of guilty for being so distant lately, but I feel like I just need some alone time. Ethan's mom felt like a mother to me and I lost her too. It's hard for all of us. The pain will stay for a while, I'm sure. ''Honey?'' Ethan asks. I look to my side and look at him before answering:''Yes, baby?'' ''Do you want to cuddle?'' He asks. I smile at his question. ''Of course!'' I say, standing up. We make our way to our bedroom and change into some comfy clothes. We lie down in bed and cuddle.

~A few hours later, Zoe's point of view~

''Let's get some drinks before we start preparing dinner,'' Ethan proposes. I agree and we get up and go to the kitchen. Ethan takes a bottle of wine out of the fridge and fills 2 wine glasses. He hands me one before putting the bottle back into the fridge. ''This was mom's favorite wine,'' Ethan smiles before his glass taps mine briefly to clink. ''To mom,'' Ethan says. ''To mom,'' I answer, taking a small sip from the red wine. A little while later, we sit down in the living room on the couch.

The conversation (•Ethan AND -Zoe)

-She was an amazing woman.
•She was. She was very important to everyone who knew her.
-I remember when we just got together when we were young. You invited me to your house for the first time and I was so nervous! I had tried on so many outfits before choosing my outfit for the occasion. I remember putting my bike next to the little gate that lead into the garden. When I rang the doorbell, your mother opened the door not a second later. She was so warm, so kind and she calmed me down immediately. I loved her the second I stepped foot in here.
•She had that gift, didn't she? It didn't take her that much of an effort to calm someone down. I remember the first time she offered me an alcoholic beverage. I was nervous, because of course we learn what alcohol does in school, but mom reassured me by saying she wouldn't want to give me something that's bad for me and explained that nothing would happen if I didn't drink too much. She even drank with me to reassure me even more. I didn't really like it to be honest, but she drank a little too much and got a little bit tipsy. That was such a fun night!
-She was amazing! You are so much like her!
•Am I?
-Yes! You have her hair colour, her eyes, her face shape, her nose and mouth. You're also caring, helpful, selfless, modest, kind and so very insecure! You are equally as amazing as her.
•Thank you. I also recognise her in you, though. She meant a lot to you too. She was your role model, your rock.
-She was. She was more of a mom to me than my own mother has ever been. I remember when we were younger, I told myself I would take care of you just like she did. I made that promise to myself over and over again.
•I can tell you you are doing a great job.
-I don't think so. I was so caught up in what I lost that I forgot to take care of you.
•You lost her too, Zoe. You have all the right to be sad and prioritise yourself!
-She was very important to the both of us, but we shouldn't shut each other out. I can't stand feeling so distanced from you.
•I feel the same. I'll try to talk about what I feel instead of isolating myself. I'm sorry, honey.
-No need to apologise, baby. If you can deal with the grief better on your own, I won't stop you baby. You do you. I'm just saying that I don't like the distance.
•I don't like it either. I isolated myself when dad died, because I felt like nobody understood what I was going through. I did it now because it's the only way I've dealt with grief, but now I'm not the only one who's going through this. Besides that, I really love cuddling with you.
-I understand. I love cuddling too. And you're a really good cuddler, I swear.
•Thank you, honey. You're a better cuddler, though.
-I'm not! You are!
•Believe what you want to believe, honey.

I wrap my arms around Ethan's waist and look up at him looking down on me. ''I love you,'' I tell him, feeling pure bliss when he smiles at those 3 little words. ''I love you,'' he answers, leaning in to kiss my lips. I smile into the kiss, feeling happier than ever. We pull back and I nudge my nose with his. He chuckles at my gesture and looses his grip,around my waist. One of his hands reaches up to my face and puts a loose strand of hair behind my ear. He then puts his hand on my cheek, making me smile and lean into his touch. ''I wouldn't be surprised if you would tell me you were an angel all along,'' Ethan suddenly breaks the silence. I chuckle. ''Why is that?'' ''You saved me and protect me. As long as you're with me, I feel happy and safe. You're my home,'' his thumb softly caresses my cheek. ''You are my home too,'' I answer. He kisses my forehead twice and pulls back. I stand up on my tippy toes to rech his forehead and kiss it twice in return. ''Let's put some music on and start preparing dinner,'' I propose. ''Sounds good,'' Ethan agrees, making his way towards the living room to connect his phone to the speaker. The first song playing is just some happy song I don't know the name of. We start cutting vegetables and everything else we need to prepare for dinner when the favorite song of Ethan's mom comes on.

This song is litterally my favorite song ever, enjoy! 👇🏻

We dance to the song, mumbling the lyrics while we prepare dinner. Just for a moment, it seems like she's there with us, dancing and singing along to her song while making dinner. I look at Ethan a few times to make sure he's okay, but he's cutting the cucumber while mumbling the lyrics. When the song is over, Ethan plays it again. I don't mind, though. I love the song! It makes me think of that cheerful and kind woman, that source of joy that walked around here only a few weeks a go. I'm glad we didn't lose her completely. We stil have our memories. It makes the grief a little bit more bearable. She'll be with us as long as we remember her. I have so many memories of her, some happy some sad. The last few weeks, I feel like I have relived all of those memories in my head, smiling at the happy moments and shedding a tear at the sadder ones. It hurts knowing there won't be any new memories with her in it, but we can't have everything in life, can we? It will take a while until we all can accept the loss and move on with our lives, but that's okay. Sometimes you just need to choose to lisen to whatyou need and take some time to breath, to reflect and have some free time. I hope Ethan is okay, like he says he is. He and his mom were so close. She was the most important person in his life and now she's gone. It's been a really tough period of time. He's hurting so much, I can tell. When his dad died, it was bad, but the last couple of years were way worse. WHen he was a child and his dad got sick, he didn't haveto take care of him. His parents were also very succesful with keeping the stress and hurt away from their son, but when his mom got sick, he was the one that got all the misery together with his mom. Then to top it off, fate decides to break his happiness because his mother healed by giving his mom cancer and letting her pass away. Fate has played some nasty games with Ethan and I know I can't protect him from fate, but I can take some of the weight on his shoulders and carry it with him. I want to support him and make him feel safe and loved, just like his mom did. I made that promise when I first witnessed their beautiful bond and I will try my absolute best not to break that promise. 

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Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

xxxDieuwke

Word count: 2028