DSMP Pride Month 2022

At Some Point

TW! Implied sexual trauma!

I made this a lot sadder than I first intended to. I also added Dream angst.

Following this statement in the notes is the term and definition for sexuality or gender. There will also be one in the end notes. I will do this for every pride fanfiction this month.
Check it out, maybe you'll learn something new!
Happy Pride <3

---

Caedsexual

Caedsexual is a term for people who feel as though they were once allosexual, their ability to feel sexual attraction has been striped from them due to past trauma.
It doesn't necessarily have to be sexual trauma.

---

"So, do you feel like it's been taken away from you?"

Sapnap looked up at Dream, "What?"

---

Sapnap lay on the couch in his and Dream's shared dorm. He fiddled with Dream's rubix cube and chewed at his bottom lip, anxious to get something off of his chest.

"Dream, I think I'm asexual?" Sapnap posed it as a question, like he was asking Dream for answers. He played with the rubix cube in his hands, he's been messing with it for the past few minutes trying to solve it, but at some point he gave up and just kept fidgeting with it instead.

It was kind of a big discussion to fling on someone, especially when they were just hanging out, but there's no time like the present.

Dream looked up from his phone, turning to look at Sapnap from his position leaning on the counter, "Are you sure?" He asked as he tilted his head. It wasn't meant to be degrading or condescending. It was probably because of Sapnap's tone, or maybe something else.

"Well.. that's the problem," Sapnap shuffled a little on the couch, curling more into the corner as he continued playing with the toy in his hands, "I don't know."

"It's okay if you are." Dream sat on the other side of the couch, the cushions sinking under his weight.

Sapnap's hands slowed, still twisting and turning the colorful toy in his grip, "I know that." he sighed.

"But," Dream continued, "Being asexual and being afraid of feeling sexual attraction are two different things." He rested his hands on Sapnaps, holding them still. Throughout everything that's happened, Dream has always been his biggest support. He's helped Sapnap both physically and mentally recover, with unwavering stability.

Sapnap remained quiet, averting his eyes by staring at the cube, half of the mixed colors concealed by both his and Dream's hands.

Dream took the rubix cube from Sapnap's hands, setting it next to him on the couch, "Do you think that... at some point you felt sexual attraction?" Sapnap looked up to meet Dream's eyes, choosing to focus on the green and gold in them rather than the underlying concern.

Dream could always tell when Sapnap wasn't fully paying attention, or trying to distract himself from a conversation.
The good thing about that is Dream could also always differentiate when that means he needs to engage Sapnap more or completely disengage and drop it for another time.

"Maybe," Sapnap awkwardly adjusted his hands in Dream's restricting grip, which was released almost immediately, "I mean, yeah, I guess."

Dream pushed, doing his best to help Sapnap understand how he feels, "And now you don't?"

"Mhm." Sapnap hummed, he felt his anxiety steadily rising in his chest and silently cursed Dream for caring so much.

"So, do you feel like it's been taken away from you?"

Sapnap looked up at Dream and asked, "What?" Even though he knew exactly what Dream meant and why Dream was asking him that.

"Do you feel like your ability to feel sexual attraction has been taken away from you?"

"Maybe..." Sapnap was growing increasingly frustrated with his lack of understanding for his own emotions, "God, I don't know!" He was also becoming frustrated with the fact that Dream seemed to know more about him than he did himself.

Sapnap's biggest flaw is the way he almost immediately resorts to anger rather than facing his emotions. He uses it to cover what he's really feeling and deflect anyone who would try to help. He used it like a shield and never addressed it beyond that.

"That's okay." Dream nodded with a small smile, trying to reassure Sapnap, "It's okay not to know." He talked to Sapnap gently, something that was, more often than not, appreciated. An act meant to make Sapnap more comfortable.

Sometimes it could come off as rude, but despite the soft tone, it never felt like Dream was looking down at him. Sapnap never felt belittled by the kind words, he never felt like a child, like most others made him feel. Dream managed to speak softly and still treat Sapnap like an adult, always holding a stable and mature conversation without an unnecessarily harsh tone or phrasing.

"Of course you would say that." He scoffed, rolling his eyes with a sour grin. "You always know exactly what to say and do."

"I don't." Dream whispered, looking down at his own hands. He was so quiet Sapnap almost missed it.

"Mh" Sapnap hummed dismissively, he didn't believe it. Dream was just trying to make him feel better. He's always been like that, caring too much.

"I really just guess half the time and hope I'm not pushing you.. or triggering you."

"Honestly, ever since it happened I've felt just as confused and lost as you." Dream's eyes watered and he sniffled, looking down and letting his hair cover his eyes. He's always hated crying in front of people. "But I always did my best to keep it together for you. Seeing you hurt was so hard. Harder than I thought it would be."

"Dream..." Sapnap huffed, ashamed by the fact that he couldn't say he didn't ever notice Dream struggling. He didn't miss the way his eyes watered when he held Sapnap close. He knows Dream always blamed himself for not being able to protect him even though Sapnap was the one who insisted they go.

He never said anything when it felt like Dream was trying to reassure himself just as much as he was Sapnap. He didn't say anything when Dream squeezed him a bit too tight or held on a bit too long. He let Dream be, even if he thought it better to help him, he was too busy dealing with his own battle.

"But, you're my best friend. I had to help you." He sniffled pathetically, feeling more vulnerable than he ever has before, "I feel selfish for being so upset."

Dream looked up, revealing tear tracts and red eyes. Sapnap learned something new that day. Something he never knew before. Dream is a silent crier. He wonder's how many times they've cried together and he hadn't even realized. "I wasn't the one who..."

"You're a fucking idiot." Sapnap pulled him into a hug, letting Dream bury his face in his shoulder, "You should have told me."

"Sorry.." Dream said, muffled by the fabric of Sapnap's hoodie. He would never admit the way his heart ached at the warble in Dream voice or the tears wetting his shoulder.

That's Dream's biggest flaw. He cares both too much and too little.
He gives everything he has to the people he loves and is left with nothing for himself. He ignores his own emotions and needs in favor of helping others with theirs.

So maybe they both have some things they need to work on. Maybe t hey both need a little help addressing their own emotions. But through it all, at least they have each other.

---

Achillean

Achillean refers to someone who is a man-aligned individual who is attracted to other men and men-aligned people.