To My Dear Ex Boyfriend,

The Worst Day of My Life

I'm shaking so bad. Apparently, all of you are standing on the porch. I walk over with the deputies. Oh look. Your stepmommy is there. "You can't enter this property without a warrant. I have my attorney on speed dial. You will not enter here without a warrant."

Honey what do you think we have? Not a warrant but a court document signed by the judge stating that your foolish family owes me money and I will get it one way or another. Sheriff sales are legal by the way. Is it really worth getting arrested? The deputy has stated probably six times that you will be arrested if you don't move. 

"Who are you?" "I don't have to tell you that." The urge to butt in and say "That's their stepmom, Jennifer." was sooo strong. But I bit my tongue. 

"But we never had our fair chance in court! They didn't even look at our evidence! She brought all these documents and the judge looked at her stuff but not ours!"

"Why didn't you appeal?"

"Because Kellie broke her ankle and she needed surgery and she's 6 or 7 months pregnant! We didn't have time!"

But you had time to tell your attorney that you wanted to make a fake agreement?

"WE DON'T OWE YOU ANY MONEY!!" 

"WE DIDN'T TAKE OUT THE LOAN! IT WAS HER AND HER GRANDFATHER!"

But you threatened my aunt because she said no and made me get the loan. We wouldn't have been able to get the house without the loan. 

Okay! Let's get the process started! All the items are on the porch. You don't think I'll legally be able to enter the property and sell your items. You threw everything on the porch to keep me out. Of course you flipped the furniture with shitty stuff from Jen's cat piss barn out in the country side! The nice couches? Gone! The nice lamp I thought I was getting? Gone! Did you really think I was dumb enough to want to take your old matresses from the previous house? Honey that one has a massive hole in it from where the dogs ate it. They all reek of piss and shit and vomit from the dogs.

"BUT YOU TOLD US WE HAD TO PUT THEM OUT FOR HER SO WHY ISN'T SHE TAKING THEM!"

"Because she legally has the right to say what she does and does not want to take."

The 55inch television tag is now on a tube TV that is MAYBE 48 inches most. I'm not taking that. Mattresses, nope. The broken nasty lamp? Nope. The barstools from my uncle, yes. The televisions and Firestick, yes. Wow! The deputy is really marking up these items. This dining room table that is busted is definitely not worth $220 but whatever. I'll do as I please with everything!

Okay so you failed to meet your total with the items on the porch. Time to go inside! 

"I do have three exemptions but everything else in the house is up for grabs. The dining room table is property of this lady, the dresser is the baby's, and you can't take the sister's bed because she's 6-7 months pregnant and I'm not going to make a pregnant lady sleep on the floor."

Fine by me. I don't want the nasty mattresses anyway. 

"There is a five year old child in there."

I know. I don't fucking care. I want my stuff. Screw the whole family. I already said I'm not taking anything out of the child's room. 

Alright I've been on camera from fake mommy's phone the whole time, can we get this process started? Let's go! Okay the house is exactly as I remember it but emptier. Your fat sister (I think the pregnancy is a joke and she's honestly just lying to keep her stuff) is sitting on a folding chair with her broken ankle in a cast. 

I want that lamp. 

On to the dining room as I tune out the ogre's hysterical comments. But wait! I can't because the toddler is in there. I have to wait until they move him to a different room. Common sense says put him in his bedroom upstairs as I already stated I wouldn't take anything of the child's. He's with his grandfather, put them both up there for the time being. Nope! Instead, let's be idiots and shove the two of them into a tiny cramped bathroom just off the kitchen and make them hide in there for the next 30 minutes as I search the house. I'm surprised you didn't lock him in the basement the way you neglected him when I was with you!