forget-me-not, neil

With Neil, my Neil

It was around 8 o'clock Friday night, and I had just returned from speaking with my brother. I was sitting on my bed with my back slumped against the wall, my head in my hands. Neil came in returning from the showers, but for once, I didn't feel like looking up at him.

"Todd?" he asked, throwing his towel on his bed, then turning to face me, his knees leaning against my quilt. "Earth to Todd, you in there buddy?"

"Hey Neil," I reply, scratching my head.

Neil stepped back and plopped himself down onto his bed so that he was facing me. "What's the matter man? You look pissed."

"That's because I am," He scooched himself towards the edge of the bed and dropped his feet towards the floor. "So there's this girl Olivia I used to go to school with at Balincrest, and her older sister invited Jeff to this stupid dinner party thing. But somehow I ended up getting looped in to going as Olivia's date."

"Todd, that's great! I don't see what you're so bummed about!"

"'Cause I don't wanna go." I whine as I roll my head back.

"Why wouldn't you! Hey I would jump at the opportunity to get out of this hell hole for an evening like that." He stands up and steps forward, dropping onto the bed beside me. "Good food, dancing, " He cozies up beside me, "maybe even a cute girl named Olivia?" He winks at me and I shove him off.

"But what if someone asks me to dance?"

"Then dance!"

"But I don't know how to dance, Perry."

"Of course you know how to dance, everyone knows how to dance, Anderson."

"No, I mean, like, I don't know how to dance, because I never have danced with anyone."

"Really?"

"No Neil, I'm just embarrassing myself because I like it, no, I have never danced with anyone."

"Not even like, a 6th year crush at a dance? Come on, you must have danced with someone at like a winter formal or something at Balincrest."

"Are you just trying to make me hate this moment even more?"

He looked at me with complete astonishment spread across his face. I feel a rush of red spread across my own. I feel so embarrassed, I never should have admitted that to him. If he didn't see me as a loser before, he'd definitely come to his senses now. 

"Well," he says, rising to his feet in front of me, holding out his hand, "get up then."

"Huh?"

"You heard me Anderson, get up!"

"Neil, what are you talking ab-" I'm cut off by Neil grabbing my hand and yanking me to my feet. He keeps a hold of my hand, while dragging me across the room and switching on the radio he had on his desk. He starts spinning the dial through the static, looking for a particular station. "Neil, if this is about the dance I don't want-" But I'm cut off once again, this time by Neil blindly bringing his finger up to my mouth to shush me, all while never taking his eyes off of the radio. I laugh and roll my eyes, grabbing his hand and dropping it back down in mine, but I don't let go. And he doesn't either. At last, he reaches the station he was searching for, classical. An orchestra of strings fills the air, and he looks back at me with the most content look.

"Neil."

"Shut up, Toddy, I'm gonna teach you how to dance." He says with a grin. "So... you're gonna have to get a liiiitle bit closer than that." He draws me close, maybe less than a foot between our noses. He readjusts his grip in my left hand, "I'll be the girl," he says, then takes my right hand and places it on his hip. And there's that feeling again. The one deep down in my gut. The one that feels light, dancing all around my stomach. Yet heavy at the same time, weighing me down, pressing on my hips. Like butterflies and moths fighting for the same space. He lifts his left hand up and places it on my shoulder. "Now, the key," he starts, as he begins to sway my body with his to the music, "is to just feel out the music. They say that there's one leader, but no one's going to be going anywhere if you both can't get within the same vibe, you know?" He looks up , and realizes I'm doing everything to avoid making eye contact with him. He softly takes my jaw and straightens it out, so that he and I are eye to eye. "You do realize, if you dance with a girl, you have to look at her, right?"

"Yes Neil, I do realize that." I look right into his eyes, those deep, dark, rich brown eyes, and suddenly, I'm no longer practicing to dance with a girl for a party. I am simply dancing with him. With Neil, my Neil. The cellos mix with the violins, and we become one, slowly rocking back and forth, in the tiny space between our beds.

"That's it," He says quietly, as softly as an exhale. " And you said you couldn't dance." I smile, but we don't break our gaze. Ignoring the feeling in my stomach, I slide my hand back only the tiniest amount towards his back, and he replies by bending his left elbow slightly, pulling us closer together. I'm closer to this boy than I think I've ever been to my own mother, but the eye contact never breaks. We sway like that for what feels like hours, just the two of us, and the radio. I feel this connection between us, and I know he feels it too, because he slowly drops his head forward, connecting it with mine. We stay like that for a moment, our foreheads resting against each other, the music swaying us ever so slightly. Neil pulls his head back from mine, but only so much that our lips are lingering all too close. I can feel Neil start to lean in, and my brain spasms, causing my head to jerk to the left and drop it onto it's shoulder. I can feel him exhale, but hold me tighter nonetheless. As much as I would like to stay here forever, to mold mine and Neil's bodies together, hand in hand, and sway until our old bones tumble to the floor, I know I have to pull away. I know that if I stay here for too long, he'll get the wrong idea, or someone might barge in. I suck in my breath, and tear myself away from Neil's grip. 

"Uh, okay thanks Neil, I should probably go, um, shower. Yeah, okay bye." I let out all in one exhale. I leave him there looking puzzled. When I return to our room, the lights are out, and Neil is in his bed. But I can tell he isn't asleep. I know he is awake but ignoring me. And he has every right to. He probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe when he wakes up in the morning, he'll have forgotten all about it.  Or maybe he'll think  it was all a dream. But for him, that would be more like a nightmare. God, you're so stupid Todd  I think to myself as I crawl into my bed. So, so stupid.