forget-me-not, neil

Kaleidoscope of butterflies

"Is that you Todd?" I whip my head over my shoulder to see Neil standing over me, hands on the back of my chair. I look back down at the photo of the young boy I have clutched in my fingers, the young boy with the longer hair and the missing front teeth and the squinted eyes.

"Yeah, I think I was six, maybe seven in that."

"You were adorable."

"I was dorky, that's what I was." I open my drawer to put it back in.

"Was?" he shouts as he snatches it from my hand.

"Neil!"

"You were dorky!" he shrieks with laughter as he jumps away from me. "Were as in you aren't now?"

"Neil give that back!" I shout as I jump up and try to make a grab at him. He escapes as he jumps up on to my bed. I jump after him and attempt to grab it from him again, but he pulls it away and makes the jump to his bed, laughing like a madman. I lunge after him, and this time I hit him, and the two of us bounce off the wall, landing on the bed before rolling to the floor. Neil lands on the carpet on his back with a thud, me landing directly on top of him, my head smacking his chest. Groans from both of us mix with uncontrollable laughter. I lift my head up, and our laughter slowly rolls to a stop as we realize how close we are. I prop myself up on my left elbow, my right hand laying flat on the carpet. Neither of us have said anything more, nor made any sounds in general. But there is just something so captivating about looking so deeply into Neil's eyes, and him looking back into mine, that I can't think of a single word to say. I notice a slight squint appear in his eyes, as a small smile lifts up the corner of his lips. Neil hesitantly brings his hand up, and brushes the hair off of my forehead, letting his palm rest on my cheek, his thumb lightly stroking my cheek bone. And just for one moment, it seems all too perfect. Just for one moment, it feels like the only thing to do would be to lean down and kiss him. I can feel my head starting to dip ever so slightly, and Neil responding by sliding his hand back, his fingers wrapping around the side of my neck. We're so close, I can feel sparks twitching between our lips. But then reality sets in, and I realize what I'm doing, and I jerk my head back quickly, rolling off of Neil. I stand up, and keep my eyes low to the ground. Below me, Neil sits up, and scoots back towards the radiator. Neither of us can look at each other.

"Right," I start, trying hard to think of anything I could say that would help me escape the mess I've just made. "I should, uh, probably get back to, um, the library." And before I can even get a response, I fly out the door, leaving Neil behind on the floor, and the photo of little me lost and long forgotten.

Neil's POV

I get it now. That weird feeling I've had in my gut, that kaleidoscope of butterflies that have been gnawing at my insides. Because I only ever get it when I'm around Todd. And that feeling, is that I like him. I like Todd Anderson. I get it now. What I don't get is what that means for me and Todd. Why didn't he feel the same way? Any other time I've felt this feeling, Todd always left in such a hurry. However those other times didn't feel anything like this. Just gazing into his eyes, the feel of his cheek, his hand on my chest. But still, he left. For a moment when we were laying on the floor, I'd thought that his feelings were the same. I really thought that he felt how I did. 

I need to talk to him. I know that it might go so horribly wrong and it will probably make the remainder of the school year a miserable hell for the both of us, but I just. Need. To. Talk. To. Him. 

I head to the library, but when I get there, I scan the room, and none of the faces are Todd. 

"Hey Pitsy, you seen Anderson around?"

"Nope," an unbothered Pitts doesn't even take his nose out of his book. "What do yah need?"

"Oh nothing, I think he just took one of my books on accident instead of his, that's all."

I don't even wait for an answer when I'm already out the door, on my way to study hall. 

He's not there. 

The dining hall, 

he's not there. 

I decide to head back to our room, and just as I turn the corner into our hallway, I see the tail end of him zip into our dorm. I fly down the hallway after him, with the intention of throwing open the door, but something stops me. When my hand touches the door knob, it pauses. It hesitates, like it knows I'm about to jump off the deep end. But alas, I need to get this feeling out of my chest. I take a deep breath, and swing the door open.