Happy Merry Everything (Charlie Barber)

Everything

How did things get like this? The night after Blueprint left you a broken-hearted mess beside the man you loved and it pained you to admit the nights that followed weren't any easier. You were in a daze. The world as you knew it became a blur. Swirls of muted color blended until they faded into nothing and the tears you longed to cry just wouldn't come.

Distraction was your new best friend. With Christmas around the corner, you busied yourself with shopping. Happy couples passed by on their respective ways from store to store and although you were happy with Charlie and nothing had changed, his lack of proposal was like a dagger in your chest. You couldn't put your finger on it. The situation refused to make sense. You had seen all the signs and every single one pointed to a ring, including talking about your own wedding to each other at another. And while we're talking about overt insinuations, there were all the times he so casually mentioned wanting to start a family before you made love. Even the romantic night in with Mr. Barber and Mr. Darcy had been suspect. There was no real way of knowing if he had any intention of popping the question that night, but the uncertainty almost felt worse.

The list rolled on: Could he have asked for your father's permission to marry you the first night they met? Would he have thought it too presumptuous? Charlie said himself after returning home from Indiana he thought about asking that very question. If only he would have known your answer, he might have asked you to be his wife.

The night of his Tony win had your mind playing tricks on itself. The phone in his pocket wasn't a ring box and it had been selfish for you to think so. Although it would have made for another reason to celebrate, it was his night and his first Tony award. He deserved his moment. The necklace dangling from your neck, albeit a beautiful display of his love for you, wasn't a ring either. You fiddled with the diamond hanging from its golden chain and moved its clasp back around to the base of your neck. When you had bared your soul about Alan, even then he joked about having a ring in the nightstand. You wondered where amongst the information scattered on the floor of your mind lay the missing piece.

You wish you could say why it bothered you so much. You weren't being rejected. You knew that. Maybe all of this was an amalgamation of your own feelings and the payoff of constantly working yourself up. You knew the signs were there. When Henry came for Charlie's birthday, everything had been so clear. The night of his birthday dinner, Charlie tried walking with Henry a little ways ahead of you and any time you caught up on the sidewalk, he'd go silent. At one point, your keeping up led to a goofy little laugh and a kind request for space to finish a private conversation. He was teasing in the moment, but also never told you what they spoke of that night. Neither of you were in the habit of keeping secrets from each other. What was the sense in starting?

While your relationship had begun under unusual circumstances, nothing about it suggested marriage would be unrealistic. You knew Charlie wanted you. He had from the beginning, long before you knew how much. Marriage was on the table as it was with any two people who loved each other as you did. And while you couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when you realized all of this, when you knew you wanted to marry him, you always hoped it would be a possibility. If you were being honest with yourself, there was more than one.

Breathe. Take a deep breath. Hold. Exhale. Hold. Inhale deeply. Hold. Exhale. Hold. Just breathe.

When panic or hurt tried to set in again, you did just that. It helped you reset. Hang on a second. None of it meant anything? Really? Even the part where Nina had you try on rings at that boutique? All of it was "just because"? There was nothing more to that? Thanksgiving? The big surprise? All of the secrets and whispers were for...huh. You couldn't say he wasn't a master at productions. Charlie had orchestrated all of it so beautifully and the moments you made as a family would last a lifetime. And Dan. Jesus Christ, the poor guy. He tried so hard to gobble and if not for Charlie, none of you would have ever seen that. Nina wouldn't have peed herself. Dad wouldn't have learned to take smaller bites. Maybe you were missing the bigger picture. All of the little moments you shared added up to more than you could have ever hoped for and in that way, wasn't that better than a ring?

And as everything began to settle, you realized it was a little selfish not to consider Charlie's feelings in all of this. He bravely embarked into what was essentially a relationship with a stranger and did so unabashedly with his whole heart. He had wanted you from the beginning, even before you knew what you truly wanted or deserved and through patience and love, you found your way together. And though you cried that night after the bar and felt gutted, you knew it was only because if life were a movie, it would have been the best part. Charlie wasn't going anywhere and neither were you.

When he wanted something, he didn't hesitate, but marriage is different. Nicole had wanted so much so fast and in the end, it left him broke, shattered, and alone on a coast with no friends or support system. And when you met, Charlie had long been on the mend and was ready for love again. Neither of you planned on each other, but here you were.

A ring was just a ring, just like a necklace. It didn't increase his love for you or yours for him nor did it devalue everything you had. Whatever his reason, whether he had something up his sleeve or simply wasn't ready, it was okay. Love was enough. Charlie was enough. No proposal that day or any other day you dreamed up didn't mean no proposal forever. You belonged to each other: mind, body, and soul. You loved each other more than anything and, for now, that was all you needed to know.

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A/N: How are you feeling? Still with me? 💜 The final chapter of HME is in the works.